I sometimes find it hard to believe how fast it all can happen… How a person can come into your world and just flip it around (in a good way). It’s kind of a miracle that there are people out there who by just being a part of your life…. make it better.

Nah, ini dia pertanyaan yang semua orang sangka mereka bisa jawab, tapi mungkin hanya segelintir yang bisa mengerti sedalam apa arti dua kata di atas. Well, bagi semua orang, tiap orang, tentu beda-beda… I get it. Gue sendiri mengganti definisi sahabat beberapa kali, thinking I got it right every time. Tapi sejalan dengan perjalanan hidup gue, gue pun tau ada yang harus diperbaiki.

PERTAMA KALI:

Sahabat bagi gue: seseorang yang mau mendengarkan keluh kesah gue dan selalu ada di samping gue.

KEDUA KALI:

Sahabat bagi gue: seseorang yang mau mendengarkan keluh kesah gue dan selalu ada disamping gue, bikin gue ketawa dan selalu nasehatin gue.

KETIGA KALI:

Sahabat bagi gue: seseorang yang mau mendengarkan keluh kesah gue dan selalu ada disamping gue, bikin gue ketawa dan selalu nasehatin gue. seseorang yang bisa diajak ngomong kapan aja.

Nah…

Berhubung ketiganya cuma ber-evolusi, gue ambil yang ketiga untuk gue koreksi. 

1. seseorang yang mau mendengarkan keluh kesah gue dan selalu ada disamping gue.

Gue berpikir dan terus meneliti. Dan ternyata gue baru menemukan jawaban-jawabannya. Sahabat itu BUKAN seseorang yang mau mendengarkan keluh kesah gue dan selalu ada di samping gue. Sahabat itu seseorang yang mau gak mau TETAP mendengarkan keluh kesah gue, siap mendengar meski dia juga sbnrnya ada yg mau diceritain. Sahabat itu bukan seseorang yang selalu disamping gue, tapi seseorang yang meski gak di samping gue, gue tetep tau gue gak kehilangan dia karena di tangan dia, jati diri gue aman. She knows the real me even though she’s not with me.

2. bikin gue ketawa dan selalu nasehatin gue.

Pelawak emangnya, mas? Ato nyokap? Ato nyokap loe pelawak? Banyak orang yang bisa bikin gue ketawa, but surely mereka bukan sahabat gue. Banyak orang yang menasehati gue, atau sok menasehati, dan gak berarti mereka sahabat gue. Sahabat bagi gue tidak harus bisa bikin gue ketawa, tapi dia akan ketawa sama gue. Sahabat itu seseorang yang tidak menasehati tapi membiarkan kita melakukan apa yang kita mau. Ia membiarkan kita bertindak dan mengambil keputusan dalam hidup kita, menghormati kita sebagai orang dewasa dan tidak mengatur hidup kita. Ia tidak melakukan apa-apa, tapi berdiri di belakang kita dan jika kita berbalik untuk menangis akan keputusan yang salah atau bersorak akan keputusan yang benar, itulah ketika ia bergabung dengan kesedihan atau kegembiraan kita. Ia tidak menasehati tapi ia berpendapat. Berpendapat secara faktual dan tidak menghakimi. Tetap membiarkan kita memiliki kebebasan untuk mengambil keputusan tanpa ada beban.

3. seseorang yang bisa diajak ngomong kapan aja.

Bagi gue, yang lebih penting bukan kapan saja, tapi APA SAJA. Sahabat itu seseorang yang bisa gue ajak ngomong tentang APA SAJA. Semua hal tidak penting seperti lebar kaki gue, jumlah tahi lalat di badan gue, posisi tidur kesukaan gue sampe obrolan seperti idealisme gue dan cara gue melihat masa depan. 

Kesimpulannya:

Ketika loe mencari arti sahabat, jangan lihat permukaannya. Bareng-bareng tiap hari tidak membuat seseorang menjadi sahabat loe. Tahu rahasia loe tidak membuat seseorang jadi sahabat loe. Bahkan, punya hobi yang sama tetap tidak menjadikan seseorang sahabat loe.

Arti sahabat itu justru sangat fundamental. Sangat basic.

Sahabat itu orang yang bisa menyelesaikan kalimat loe. That’s all.

Dia mengerti loe, mulai dari cara pikir, sifat, kegemaran, preferensi, selera, bahkan cara loe mengambil keputusan. Dia tau kelemahan dan kekuatan loe. Dia bisa nebak apa yang akan ada di pikiran loe jika loe ada di situasi tertentu, bahkan ketika loe gak pernah ngomongin/ngalamin situasi tersebut sebelumnya. Dia gak pernah berhenti mendengarkan dan belajar ttg kepribadian loe, memperkaya diri dengan kompleksitas pribadi loe, sembari membandingkannya dengan kompleksitas karakternya sendiri. Dia tahu apa yang cocok bagi loe dan apa yang tidak. Dia tahu apa yang akan membuat loe kehilangan jati diri dan apa yang akan membuat loe semakin menemukan jati diri loe. Dia mengetahui dan mengerti idealisme loe, menghargai meski mungkin berbeda dengan idealismenya. Dia mengenal loe lebih baik dari yang loe kira, dan bahkan mungkin lebih baik dari loe sendiri karena dia tidak bias. Dia memberitahu loe apa yang perlu loe dengar, enak ataupun gak enak, karena tetap lebih baik loe mendengarnya dari dia daripada dari orang lain. Dia memberi loe kebebasan untuk menjadi diri loe sendiri. Dia memberi loe kesempatan untuk berkembang bersama, mengenal hidup lebih dalam bersama, belajar bersama, berpikir bersama, menganalisa bersama, menemukan arti hidup bersama, mendalami misteri alam bersama. Dia membuat loe menjadi orang yang lebih baik, gak peduli loe mau mengakuinya atau tidak, karena hanya dengan mendengarkan dan mengerti loe, dia UDAH membuat loe menjadi orang yang lebih baik. 

So, mungkin loe mengklaim kalau loe udah menemukan sahabat loe, tapi lebih baik kita berpikir kembali. Sudahkah? Teman berbeda dengan teman dekat. Teman dekat berbeda dengan teman baik. Teman baik berbeda dengan sahabat.

Teman adalah orang yang loe kenal atau mungkin pernah ngobrol/makan siang bersama sekali dua kali, atau nebeng pulang tiap hari.

Teman dekat adalah teman yang duduk di samping loe di kelas, minjem penghapus loe dan loe pinjemin tip-ex. Teman dekat adalah orang yang loe ajak ngegosip tentang dosen dan motif dasinya yang aneh.

Teman baik adalah teman yang pergi dengan loe tiap weekend. Teman yang menghabiskan banyak momen bareng loe, seperti Natal atau ulang tahun. Teman yang hafal nomer handphone loe, pernah curhat-curhatan sampe nangis, kenal orangtua loe, ada di speed dial loe dan orang yang ngasih loe surprise jam 12 pas ulang tahun loe.

Tapi sahabat, dia bisa mencakup yang di atas semua, dia bisa juga tidak mencakup apapun yang di atas. Dia gak perlu jadi orang yang pergi sama loe tiap hari, orang yang loe telpon tiap kali ada masalah, orang yang ngobrol sama loe di telpon tiap hari. Dia gak perlu jadi orang yang tahu segala detail kehidupan loe. Dia cukup mengenal loe dan dia mengalahkan semua definisi jenis teman di atas.

She is your person. You tell her things not because you want to get her approval. But telling her makes it real. If you murdered someone, she’s the person you’d call to help you drag the corpse across the living room floor.

Satu lagi perbedaan teman dan sahabat. Loe akan devastated dan depressed kalau kehilangan teman. Tapi saat loe kehilangan sahabat, loe tetap akan merasakan syukur dalam hati bahwa loe pernah diberi kesempatan ketemu dengan seorang yang bisa mengerti loe seperti itu. Loe bisa punya segudang teman baik tapi belum tentu mereka mengenal loe. Jadi mana yang loe pilih, orang yang mengenal loe atau ratusan teman baik tanpa satu pun yang mengenal loe yang sesungguhnya?

P.S. Apakah gue uda menemukan seorang sahabat? Gue belum bisa bilang itu, but I think I’ve found my person.

Love from an innocent perspective…

.

.

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca - age 8

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy - age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl - age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy - age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri - age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny - age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss” Emily - age 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” Bobby - age 7

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka - age 6

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle - age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy - age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” Cindy - age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” Clare - age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine-age 5

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris - age 7

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” Mary Ann - age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren - age 4

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image) Karen - age 7

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.” Mark - age 6

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica - age 8

“God could have said magic words to make the nails fall off the cross, but He didn’t. That’s love.” -Max, age 5
And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

I’m sorry
Two words I always think
After you’ve gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong

So selfish
Two words that could describe
Oh actions of mine
When patience is in short supply

We don’t need to say goodbye
We don’t need to fight and cry
Oh we, we could hold each other tight tonight

We’re so helpless
We’re slaves to our impulses
We’re afraid of our emotions
And no one knows where the shore is
We’re divided by the ocean
And the only thing I know is
That the answer isn’t for us
No the answer isn’t for us

I’m sorry
Two words I always think
Oh after you’ve gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong…

(So Sorry by Feist)

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

True love doesn’t have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you.

These are some facts you’d be very surprised to find out…

• A piece of French toast that was partially eaten by Justin Timberlake sold on eBay.
• Alcohol beverages have all 13 minerals necessary for human life. 
• An apple, potato, and onion all taste the same if you eat them with your nose plugged. They all taste sweet.
• According to Scandinavian traditions, if a boy and girl eat from the same loaf of bread, they are bound to fall in love. 
• Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from producing tears.
• The French have a doughnut called “Nun’s Fart.” 
• During the 1600’s, boys and girls in England wore dresses until they were about seven years old.
• After the death of the genius, Albert Einstein, his brain was removed by a pathologist and put in a jar for future study.
• Bill Gates donated close to $100 million to fight AIDS in India. As a percent of his total wealth, this would be comparable to him donating ten cents if he only had $60.
• Thomas Edison, the inventor of the light bulb was afraid of the dark.

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I’m getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I’m doing all I can
To be a better woman

Go easy on my conscience
‘Cause it’s not my fault
I know I’ve been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
I’m in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I’m doing all I can
To be a better woman

Once you’ve found that lover
You’re homeward bound
Love is all around
I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But Love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I’m getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I’m doin’ all I can
To be a better woman…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants
to see her in an hour…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a youth she’s content to leave behind….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her old age….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to fall in love without losing herself.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
where to go…
be it to her best friend’s kitchen table… or a charming inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she can and can’t accomplish in a day… a month… and a year…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that she can’t change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents…

.

.

.

Still think it’s easy to be a woman?

(By Maya Angelou)

Written by Nicole. Archive; 2006. All rights reserved.

Any similarities in either storyline or casts are merely coincidences.

No copying of material content is allowed without direct consent from the author. 

prologue

Am I a failure? Perhaps you and I will never know.

They say I am irresponsible. They say I am incoherent. They never believe in me. In everything I do, in everything I say, they say I am almost insipid. Am I? I may never know for the mystery of being’s behavior lies in a profoundly complex pattern and incomprehensibility. They say I am stupid. They may be true. They say I am vicious. They may be right. But do they know me? They cannot possibly be.

I walk down the road with paper bags in my right hand. My left hand is buried into the layers of my jeans pocket, freezing. It’s been snowing since the past two lonely weeks. Snow…I hate snow. Its purity has always reminded me of something I’d rather forget for the rest of my life. It always reminds me of children running around with joyful laughter. It always reminds me of making snowmen at backyard after Christmas dinner. It always reminds me of cleaning the chimney in a cold December afternoon. It always reminds me of snow wars. It always reminds me of Christmas Day - which supposed to be the happiest day of the year. But since the last three years, it has no longer been the happiest day of the year for me. I told you, I hate snow. And everything that comes with it. Have I told you why? Because it never fails to remind me of my little boy.

Vivid memories strike me once again, flashing one scene after another in my head, just like a mute movie forwarded at a high speed. I close my eyes, not wanting to feel the familiar pain again. But, just as usual, I fail. The pain creeps inside, crawling silently into my heart and fill all the lonely corners it can find. Deep inside my throbbing heart, I just know I’ll never forget any of those painful memories. They are just too strong for me to fight. And too hard to let go, I have to admit, no matter how hurtful they are. Deeply, I inhale the cold fresh air and let it fills my lungs. All these… are just too unbearable.

chapter one

“Benjamin Stevens!” I forced the little boy to look at me in the eye. “I’m warning you right now, no TV for the rest of the week if you dare to ask questions like that again!”

Ben grinned and put his best puppy eyes. “But Mommy, you said I could ask Granny whatever I want to ask.”

“Yes. But Mr. Stevens, a five-year-old kid would not ask his grandmother to tell him her…very personal issues.”

“Personal issues? Can you tell me what are they, Mommy?”

“Personal issues are…some things that are better left unsaid and untold. Why? Because it will be impolite to ask. And one of them is…” I paused and shot him with a stern look, “…sex life. Got it?” I tried to keep my voice as sternly as a mother could possibly do.

“Ow Lorraine, you don’t have to scold him like that. It’s always right to ask.” Granny chuckled as her wrinkled hand moved to rub the little boy’s hair.

“But not that question.” I quickly snapped back. Granny laughed.

“Okay… okay… we heard you, already. Now Ben, what else do you have to ask me?” Granny questioned Ben. Laughter was clearly drawn in her voice.

Ben could see from the corner of his eyes that her mother was watching him. He slowly said, “Nothing else, Grams. Can I go to bed now?”

Granny raised her eyebrows and assured, “Are you sure you want to go to bed now?”

‘No, but it is the wisest thing to do when Mommy is angry.’ Ben answered silently in his heart. He sent the unspoken answer to his grandmother who nodded slightly and tried her best not to smile. Ben then faked a yawn and said with a false sleepy voice, “Yes, I’m so tired and I want to go to sleep.”

Granny winked, sending an obvious sign to the little man that she knew his little secret. “Okay, if that’s what you want.” she said wisely.

Ben tried his best to fake a yawn again and then ran off to his room immediately. He hoped he had convinced his mother quite well.

I threw a sheepish grin at Donna, my lovely mother, and sat down with relief. “Ben can be too…mature for his age sometimes.” I said.

“Ahahaha…yes. What a clever boy you have over there, Lorraine. I just wish that my daughter was ever as clever as him.” Donna winked at me.

I pretended not to understand what she meant. “So…when are you going back to Cleveland?” I asked, changing the subject. She would never win an argument with her mother.

“Bored with your old fussy mother, aren’t you?”

“You know better than that.”

“Oh believe me, I do.” Donna chuckled. “I think I’ll tell your brother to pick me up this Saturday.”

“Hmm…that soon? Are you sure you don’t want to stay for a few more couple weeks?”

“No. I’ll be a pain if I stay. You need some times to adapt to your new life. Alone. And Ben needs it too. You two have to start building your new life. A life without John.”

“Yeah.” I felt the pain and loss creeping into my heart again. 

Donna stared at me, “Being a single mother is not as easy as it seems. It’s not even something close to what Susan Sarandon did in Stepmom. It’s a hundred times harder. It’ll require your full dedication and energy to raise a good kid on your own.”

“Yes, I know.”

“I know that you know. I just want to remind you that everything will not be the same anymore. You’ve always had John to decide the hardest decisions in your marriage, but now you have to stand for your own,” she paused. “But…” she continued with a wise smile, “I’ll put my whole life in a bet that you can make it. Even better than what I can expect from you.”

I returned her smile. “Ben’s a miracle.”

“Yes, he is a miracle. And you’re a great mother, Lorraine.”

I hugged her tightly. “I learned from the best.” I said. And then I let go of my embrace and continued, “I learned from you.”

“You can always find me whenever you need me.”

…

I stepped on my room and sat at the edge of my bed. It had been a tough week, hiding such a big secret from Donna. Again, the frustration of not being able to share such secret began to fill up my head. I pulled out a piece of paper from my bedside desk. A crippled piece of paper after being read through again and again. A death warrant. My death warrant. It had been just seven days ago since I received this paper but yet it felt like I’d had it with me for a long time. Everytime I managed to have some times on my own, I was forced to face this bitter reality. Without much choices left, I had to think of Ben’s future, a world without me in it. God knows how much I longed to take parts in every step of Ben’s life. At his graduation day, at his marriage, at his first child’s birth. Those would be the days that he had to face on his own, with neither his father nor his mother on his side. Ben is forever the centre of my life. The reason of my breathing. I could never imagine a life wihout him. But this piece of paper had taken everything away, not just my life, but my hopes and dreams and it had left me with nothing much anymore. I had a cancer in my brain.

I sighed deeply, trying to relieve my heart from this killing burden. I hadn’t been able to figure out what to do yet. For the hundredth times, I put the paper back into the desk again, hiding it neatly beneath some books and envelopes. Trying to hide my shattered dreams and broken hopes as best as I could.

chapter two

“Ben, come on. Let’s go now otherwise we’ll be late for the shopping.” I finished my breakfast and put the dirty dishes in the sink.

“Okay.” He hopped on his feet and did the same thing.

I grabbed my car key and opened the front door. Tonight was Christmas Eve. A little bit too late for Christmas shopping, I knew. I just hoped I could get everything done today.

Ben followed me and walked to the car while I locked all the doors. A snowy afternoon, it was very cold. My hands were freezing but I got it done and walked to my car as well. Sitting behind the wheel, I started the engine and drove away to town.

After two hours wandering in the town and storming up the stores, we finally got all what we were looking for. We were ready to drive back home.

“Everything under control, Holmes?” I asked Ben, sitting behind my wheel as he threw the paper bags at the backseat and climbed onto the seats.

“Yes, Watson.” Ben answered, slamming the car door and laughed frantically.

“Got your Hershey chocolate and your Snickers?” I asked again. I felt a twirl in my stomach as I saw Ben’s expression. “Oh, no.” I muttered.

“I’ll be right back in just five minutes. Please please please?” Ben pleaded as he grabbed my shoulder with his little hands.

“It’s four minutes and fifty-eight seconds now.”

Ben ran quickly, crossing the street and headed to the nearest toy store. As I watched him from my seat, I smiled. Strangely, I felt a weak unpleasant feeling as if something bad was going to happen. I shoved them away and ignored the distinct warning in my head. What could happen to a boy who only wanted to buy his Christmas chocolate in a toy store, anyway?

I grabbed the newspaper and scanned the headlines thoroughly. No big news in Christmas Day, everyone knew that. So I threw my newspaper away and started to plan a Christmas surprise for Ben this year. Last year, John and I woke him up in the middle of the night and we sat together in front of the fireplace with a cup of warm chocolate in our hands. We fell asleep together, cuddling in one comfortable blanket. Tomorrow would be the first Christmas without John. What was I supposed to do so Ben wouldn’t miss his Daddy too much?

‘I think I’ll get him to clean the chimney together. Making snowmen at the backyard is not a bad idea, either. Ben loves to stay up late, I think I’ll let him tonight. Playing snow war would never be as fun as when John was still alive but I think I’ll give it a shot and see how it goes. I don’t want him to forget about John completely.’ I thought to myself.

I glared over my watch and realized that Ben had been away for ten minutes. It’s been too long for a quick grab for a bar of chocolate. I decided to go out of the car and picked him up. As I crossed the street and headed to the store, I saw a big crowd in the middle of the street. There were a lot of noise and people shouting in panic. A sound of ambulance siren was heard from afar. I walked towards it and struggled to keep myself calm. The bad feeling bothered me again, a lot stronger than before. I tried to see what happened but the crowd was very solid. After much efforts, I finally broke through the crowd and went limp at the scene that laid before my very eyes.

epilogue

Five years have passed since that accident. Since then, I have lived a tiring empty and lonely life. The blood, the lifeless body of my Ben lying in front of my eyes… I cannot even describe them in words. I recalled my hands were trying to hold his small figure and my tears were nowhere controllable. The horrifying scene will never leave my head, no matter how hard I try to shove it away. I want to scream until I have no voice left. I want to shout until I bleed my own throat. I want to cry my tears dry. I want to die and I hope I am. But I have no energy left. I am too worn out. Everything in me has already been absorbed by the loss. I am nothing but a dry sponge that breathes. I have cried for years, I have shouted for my pain, there is nothing left anymore from this pathetic woman. Nothing. How ironic, it was just a week after I found out that I had a cancer before it happened. The thought that Ben would leave this world sooner than me had never ever come up to my mind. And now, I no longer have a life. Half of me had died with John and the other half was gone with Ben at that very day. I have lost my reason to breathe and now I am a dead person. I endlessly blame myself for letting my five-year-old boy crossing the street on his own. Every single day. And I have been warned. I just chose not to pay any attention to it, I remembered.

Am I a failure? Yes, I am a failure.

The machine beside my bed beeps constantly with its slow beeping sound. The pain in my head is slowly eating up my body. It is merely a matter of time when I’ll be dead. I let out a slow chuckle. A bitter one. I have promised Donna to raise Ben as best as I could, but what am I now? A rotten lifeless corpse. I’m lying here, on my deathbed, waiting for a reunion with my family. I can even hear the bitterness in my almost inaudible chuckle. Destiny is really playing its part in my life. Even after five years, the reminiscences have always haunted me, shadowing my every steps. The pain, the tears, the grief, the guilt, the loss, the voices, the memories, everything…have been haunting me until this very second, just like a creepy beast waiting in the darkness to attack its prey.

Blankly, I watched the droplets of rain falling from the sky with its constant rhythm through my hospital window. What I feel, what I think, what I do, I no longer know. Everyday is just the same routine, the same schedules, the same measures. Do I feel sad? No. Do I feel empty? Can be. Do I feel depressed? Perhaps. All the feelings have mixed up as one and now remained only as vague and blurry layers in my foggy mind. I no longer have the energy to unfold every layers and identify them. I no longer know what I’m feeling inside. I no longer know what I’m thinking inside. They are all just…vignettes.

…

The machine beeps in one long beeping sound, displaying a straight horizontal line, stating the final sentence. Her eyes are still staring blankly straight throughout the window, lifeless as they now are. Empty…forever yearning for an escape from her despair. Guilty…forever demanding for an apology. Lost…forever missing her Ben. Fearful…forever desiring for vengeance. A single tear, the first tear after so many days, falls from the corner of her dead eyes and silently wilts her into the dark and endless void.

Oh, how it is heaven to finally be freed from all her…vignettes in mind.

finale.

I almost couldn’t find the words to even start defining and expressing what I experienced tonight. Tonight, I felt like I was reborn. I had a hectic day, a day full of sweats and tiresome. But it felt so comfortable.

Hari ini gue ikut pelayanan jalanan komunitas Sant’Egidio. Pertama kali. Gue sudah expect bahwa kita akan turun ke jalan dan membagikan makanan tapi gue gak expect bahwa ada persahabatan yang cukup dalam di antara individu-individu yang berasal dari dua dunia yang berbeda ini. Kita hidup berdampingan dengan orang-orang ini. Setiap hari, kita menyetir mobil kita melewati mereka, namun kita tidak pernah menoleh. Mereka pun tidak pernah memandang kita, mungkin karena masing-masing pihak memang sudah merasa bahwa pihak yang satunya lagi takkan dapat berbaur dengan mereka. Hari ini, gue dibuktikan dengan mata kepala gue sendiri, bahwa apa yang gue percayai ternyata memang ada. Apa yang gue yakini dapat kita lakukan sebagai manusia ternyata memang sudah dilakukan dan gue tidak bermimpi terlalu jauh.

Ketika kita berjalan melewati jalan-jalan raya dan berblok-blok perumahan, rasa lelah juga sudah tidak terasa. Ketika gue bersalaman dengan mereka, ada rasa ingin mengenal seperti gue pertama kali mengenal teman baru yang menarik. Ada rasa kembali ke rumah. Hari ini pertama kalinya gue turun ke bawah jembatan. Literally. Benar-benar tempat yang kita sering sebut sebagai kolong jembatan. Tempat yang tidak mempunyai penerangan sama sekali sehingga kita bahkan tidak bisa melihat wajah lawan bicara kita. Seadanya. Bahkan lebih dari itu. Hampir tidak ada apa-apa. Tapi disitu saudara kita tinggal. Saat itu, bagi gue, pada saat yang bersamaan, hidup terasa tidak berarti namun juga sangat berarti. Tidak berarti karena tiba-tiba saja gue teringat dengan ‘teman-teman’ gue yang di ‘atas’. Teman-teman dari ‘dunia’ gue. Teman-teman yang kaya, beruang, mampu menikmati segala kelimpahan yang mereka punya. Dan gue merasa bahwa hidup mereka sungguh tidak berarti, mereka yang mengejar kepentingan mereka saja dan bersenang-senang tiap saat tanpa ada beban pikiran. Gue gak bilang mereka salah, tapi hidup seperti itu sungguh tidak berarti. Di saat yang sama, ketika gue melihat Pandu, salah satu balita yang sedang tertidur di rongsokan sofa kempes dengan pulasnya, gue melihat adanya sesuatu yang bisa diperjuangkan disana. Sesuatu yang jauh lebih berharga daripada mobil Alphard atau tiket masuk bioskop. Sesuatu yang lebih patut dijaga daripada kartu kredit atau tiket liburan ke luar negeri. Aneh, tapi gue benar-benar merasa, pada saat itu, bahwa hidup bisa menjadi berarti atau tidak sama sekali, tergantung bagaimana kita melihatnya dan bagaimana kita dapat membuka diri kita menjadi individu yang lebih rendah hati dan penyayang.

Komunitas ini adalah komunitas mimpi. Kita melayani bukan karena kita ingin melakukan kegiatan sosial. Begitu banyak penyaluran yang dapat dilakukan jika kita hanya ingin memuaskan ego sosial kita. Kita dapat menyumbang uang bermiliar-miliar ke panti-panti kapan pun kita merasa bahwa kita harus sedikit berbuat sosial. Atau kita dapat memberi uang lima ratus rupiah kepada pengamen di jalan. Tidak, itu tidak salah sama sekali. But, charity is the coat you wear twice a year. Perlu kepedulian yang lebih dan keberanian untuk berani bermimpi lebih tinggi untuk dapat mewujudkan apa yang ingin kita lihat di dunia. Perdamaian. Semua orang menginginkan perdamaian. Semua orang ingin merasakan damai. Namun itu bukan perjuangan mudah. Kita perlu ikut terjun dalam mewujudkannya. Di sinilah komunitas ini bergerak. Komunitas ini bukan melakukan kegiatan sosial. Komunitas ini berjuang demi perdamaian. Just a little bit peace in the world. Dengan cara mengatasi perbedaan yang ada. Perbedaan ekonomi, warna kulit, agama, suku bangsa, kewarganegaraan, kemampuan fisik, akademis, jenis kelamin dan bahkan perbedaan usia. Dan bukan karena gue ikut komunitas ini, gue lantas mengklaim bahwa orang-orang komunitas ini adalah orang yang mulia. Tidak, kita semua manusia. Mudah tergoda setan, sama-sama makan nasi, sama-sama harus boker kalau sakit perut. Tidak ada yang berbeda, semua manusia sama. Karena itu, kita tidak boleh berpikir bahwa kita bukan siapa-siapa. Kita adalah seseorang. Setiap orang adalah seseorang, dengan segala kelebihan dan kekurangannya, dengan segala keunikan dan perbedaan yang ada di antara kita. Kalau saja orang-orang yang berpikir mereka lebih baik daripada orang lain dapat lebih rendah hati dan tidak sombong, gue yakin perdamaian bisa terwujud.

So hari ini, gue mendapat pembelajaran yang amat berharga. Gue menemukan rumah gue. Gue menemukan tempat gue di dunia, dan gue bersyukur gue dituntun ke tempat ini. Gue menemukan arti perdamaian. Gue menemukan arti perjuangan. Gue menemukan arti bermimpi. Gue menemukan arti kekeluargaan. Gue menemukan arti dunia yang satu. Dan gue menyadari satu hal bahwa memiliki kekayaan ataupun wajah rupawan bukanlah anugerah. Itu hanya keberuntungan karena mereka terlahir dalam keluarga yang cukup berada. Jikalau ketika bayi, mereka diletakkan di kolong jembatan, tidak ada bedanya bukan? Apa yang kita miliki bukan benar-benar milik kita, jadi jangan terlalu berbangga hati karenanya karena kita tidak lebih baik dari yang tidak punya. Semoga orang-orang yang masih suka menyakiti orang lain demi kepuasan diri dan kesenangan mereka atau hanya demi bahan tertawaan dan gengsi belaka, dapat sadar bahwa hidup mereka sungguh tidak berarti. Sungguh tidak berarti.

Dan sungguh tidak lebih baik.

Racism sucks. We have made huge steps towards racial equality, but it’s sad to see there are still so many closed minded and racist people. Judging a person solely based on race and skin color is just stupid and ignorant.

From the movie, Bobby, quoted:

This is a time of shame and sorrow. It is not a day for politics. I have saved this one opportunity, my only event of today, to speak briefly to you about the mindless menace of violence in America which again stains our land and every one of our lives. It is not the concern of any one race. The victims of the violence are black and white, rich and poor, young and old, famous and unknown. They are, most important of all, human beings whom other human beings loved and needed. No one - no matter where he lives or what he does - can be certain who will suffer from some senseless act of bloodshed. And yet it goes on and on and on in this country of ours. Why? What has violence ever accomplished? What has it ever created? No martyr’s cause has ever been stilled by an assassin’s bullet. No wrongs have ever been righted by riots and civil disorders. A sniper is only a coward, not a hero; and an uncontrolled, uncontrollable mob is only the voice of madness, not the voice of reason. Whenever any person’s life is taken by another person unnecessarily - whether it is done in the name of the law or in the defiance of the law, by one man or a gang, in cold blood or in passion, in an attack of violence or in response to violence - whenever we tear at the fabric of the life which another man has painfully and clumsily woven for himself and his children, the whole nation is degraded. “Among free men,” said Abraham Lincoln, “there can be no successful appeal from the ballot to the bullet; and those who take such appeal are sure to lose their cause and pay the costs.” Yet we seemingly tolerate a rising level of violence that ignores our common humanity and our claims to civilization alike. We calmly accept newspaper reports of civilian slaughter in far-off lands. We glorify killing on movie and television screens and call it entertainment. We make it easy for men of all shades of sanity to acquire whatever weapons and ammunition they desire. Too often we honor swagger and bluster and wielders of force; too often we excuse those who are willing to build their own lives on the shattered dreams of others. Some Americans who preach non-violence abroad fail to practice it here at home. Some who accuse others of inciting riots have by their own conduct invited them. Some look for scapegoats, others look for conspiracies, but this much is clear: violence breeds violence, repression brings retaliation, and only a cleansing of our whole society can remove this sickness from our soul. For there is another kind of violence, slower but just as deadly destructive as the shot or the bomb in the night. This is the violence of institutions; indifference and inaction and slow decay. This is the violence that afflicts the poor, that poisons relations between men because their skin has different colors. This is the slow destruction of a child by hunger, and schools without books and homes without heat in the winter. This is the breaking of a man’s spirit by denying him the chance to stand as a father and as a man among other men. And this too afflicts us all. I have not come here to propose a set of specific remedies nor is there a single set. For a broad and adequate outline we know what must be done. When you teach a man to hate and fear his brother, when you teach that he is a lesser man because of his color or his beliefs or the policies he pursues, when you teach that those who differ from you threaten your freedom or your job or your family, then you also learn to confront others not as fellow citizens but as enemies, to be met not with cooperation but with conquest; to be subjugated and mastered. We learn, at the last, to look at our brothers as aliens, men with whom we share a city, but not a community; men bound to us in common dwelling, but not in common effort. We learn to share only a common fear, only a common desire to retreat from each other, only a common impulse to meet disagreement with force. For all this, there are no final answers. Yet we know what we must do. It is to achieve true justice among our fellow citizens. The question is not what programs we should seek to enact. The question is whether we can find in our own midst and in our own hearts that leadership of humane purpose that will recognize the terrible truths of our existence. We must admit the vanity of our false distinctions among men and learn to find our own advancement in the search for the advancement of others. We must admit in ourselves that our own children’s future cannot be built on the misfortunes of others. We must recognize that this short life can neither be ennobled or enriched by hatred or revenge. Our lives on this planet are too short and the work to be done too great to let this spirit flourish any longer in our land. Of course we cannot vanquish it with a program, nor with a resolution. But we can perhaps remember, if only for a time, that those who live with us are our brothers, that they share with us the same short moment of life; that they seek, as do we, nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and in happiness, winning what satisfaction and fulfillment they can. Surely, this bond of common faith, this bond of common goal, can begin to teach us something. Surely, we can learn, at least, to look at those around us as fellow men, and surely we can begin to work a little harder to bind up the wounds among us and to become in our own hearts brothers and countrymen once again.

Hmm… td gue dapet pengalaman baru. Gue td buka puasa bareng Komunitas Sant’Egidio dan seratus anak-anak Muslim yang lucu-lucu… well, new experience. It’s something I’ve always wanted. Always. Something I’ve always dreamt of doing. Something I’ve lately been treating as a dream, as a target in life I have to achieve. Something I’ve defined as a sign that you have lived your life well. I’ve always dreamt of doing something before I die, no matter how small it is, I have to make at least one soul live better just because I lived. Banyak orang akan langsung berpikir ke orang tua. Hmm, tanpa bermaksud kurang ajar atau apa pun, gue pun sangat determined untuk membahagiakan orang tua gue, tapi gue lantas berpikir, bonyok gue, they have each other. I mean, they have so much in their lives. Emang bener, sebagai anak, sudah menjadi tugas untuk membalas budi orang tua, but hey, they’ve lived their life to the fullest. Mereka sudah melakukan apa yang mereka inginkan and they did well. Mereka menyekolahkan anak mereka, mencapai keamanan finansial yang cukup, dan bisa keluar negeri sekali-kali. Atas dasar pemikiran ini, gue berpikir, sekali lagi, tanpa bermaksud mengecilkan maksud gue untuk berbakti, gue berpikir, ada loh orang yang BENAR-BENAR mungkin tidak punya kesempatan untuk itu semua, Bahkan kesempatan untuk hidup. Kesempatan untuk sekolah, menikmati kesehatan, mendapat pekerjaan yang layak yang nantinya akan memberi kebebasan finansial dan nasib yang cukup baik seperti yang sudah dimiliki orang tua gue. Lantas, kenapa semua orang di sekeliling gue hanya berpikir untuk membahagiakan orang tuanya?

Bukan gue berkata itu salah. SAMA SEKALI NGGAK! Gue sangat menghargai niat baik itu semua. Tapi gue agak gak bisa mengerti jalan pikir orang yang berkata, “Asal gue bisa balas budi orang tua aja. Yang laen mah bukan kewajiban gue.” Gue mencoba, sumpah gue udah sangat mencoba, untuk mengerti, tapi gue gak bisa. Kenapa?

Gini, gue kenal 1 anak manja. Yang sangat borju dalam berpakaian dan semuanya deh. Dan dia adalah orang yang memandang rendah orang-orang yang tidak berpenampilan atau bergaya seperti dia. Sekarang gue mikir, tuh anak TIDAK ADA BEDANYA dengan anak miskin yang lahir di gubuk kecil belakang warung deket kolong jembatan. Sama-sama bayi, sama-sama telanjang pas keluar, sama-sama lahir dari rahim ibunya, sama-sama kalo dicekik langsung mati tanpa bisa melawan. Yang membedakan hanyalah, tuh anak beruntung bisa lahir di keluarga yang berada. Uang itu bukan punya dia, lantas apa dasar dia berpikir bahwa dia lebih tinggi dari orang? Hey, lo cuma beruntung! Lo gak hebat dan lo gak sama sekali lebih tinggi dari orang lain!

Well, gue juga mengerti, orang itu berbeda-beda. Cara pikir orang berbeda-beda, gue appreciate itu, dan gue juga gak akan terlalu menuntut jawaban karena itu gak etis. Bukan salah orang untuk memikirkan kebahagiaan orang tuanya. Gue cuma kepingin banget aja, orang-orang lebih sadar bahwa 1 minggu waktu lo, selain dipakai kerja/kuliah, kalian bisa kok menggunakan setengah hari Sabtu atau Minggu kalian untuk berbuat something useful, bukan cuma ke mall aja. Itu gak membuat kalian miskin, gak membuat kalian durhaka, atau membuat kalian kelaparan kan? Mungkin karena gue kepengen banget itu terjadi, jadi gue agak-agak keras jadinya. 

Tadi ada 1 anak nanya gue, jadi tuh anak kakinya ketusuk paku gara-gara maen di rel kereta. Kenapa dia ketusuk? Karena dia gak mampu beli sendal. Jadi dia menyeka darahnya dan cuma pake hansaplast. Dia anak yang sangat pintar, sangat cerdas, hafal 10 negara ASEAN, 5 benua di dunia, bahkan tahu bulan apa Golkar dan PDI-P menang Pemilu. Anak sepintar itu lantas bertanya ke gue, “Kak, kalau kontrol ke rumah sakit negeri gitu, bayar gak ya?” Trus gue tanya, “Kamu mau cek apa?” Dia bilang, “Cek kaki. Tapi kalo gratis aja kak. Kalo bayar gak bisa. Sendal aja gak ada.”

Aduduh.

Mungkin gue berpikir terlalu panjang, terlalu jauh dan terlalu gak nyambung. Tapi di dunia ini, BEGITU BANYAK orang yang menyumbang atau memberikan sedekah bagi orang miskin. Bukannya itu tidak baik, sungguh itu perbuatan mulia, tapi gue pikir, itu semua hanya untuk memuaskan EGO SOSIAL mereka masing-masing. Semua orang punya ego sosial dimana mereka merasa harus memberikan sedikit pada sesama untuk memuaskan ego mereka itu. Tapi yang mereka tidak sadari, mereka jadi memperlakukan orang miskin sebagai objek. Akhirnya, hubungan yang terjadi 1 arah. Yang 1 memberi, yang 1 hanya menerima, dengan kata lain objek penderita. Tapi kalau kita mau terlibat untuk mengenal mereka lebih jauh, mencoba mengerti bagaimana orang miskin memiliki perasaan yang sama dan keinginan yang sama seperti kita, mencoba menerima bahwa mereka pun manusia yang mempunyai mimpi tentang hidup mereka, just like us, maka hubungan yang terjadi akan 2 arah. Antara 2 subjek. BUKAN OBJEK.

So well, people, you can start now. It’s never too late to start doing something. Really. I used to tell myself that it was too late to start anything, but boy, it is really never too late. You can always start doing something and start achieving your dreams. Don’t make money as your goal or dreams, don’t treat people like craps, because that makes you a crap. That makes you a low person who doesn’t even dare to dream of something better for his/her own life. Dream of something bigger, something better, and run for it. You may fall, but you have to keep running. Because when you quit, you don’t have anything left. Once you have no hope, you have pretty much nothing left.

And, you’re not nothing. You’re not ordinary. What you do, it counts. However small, it does count. Don’t ever say you’re nothing and what you do won’t make a difference. Everyone is something because at one point and another, we do care about other people or at least ourselves. That, already makes us something. But what makes people extraordinary is that when ordinary people gather together and do ordinary things together. They become extraordinary when the ordinary things they do together change people’ lives, when the ordinary things they do makes the world a better place, even just a tiny bit. THAT is what makes ordinary people a bit extraordinary. So it’s really not how much money you have, how intelligent you are, how often you go to church, how many awards you’ve achieved, it’s really about what you do and whether it can affect someone’s life. Even if it’s your own life.

If I murdered someone, she’s the person I’d call to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

Two kinds of people in the world..the doughnut people and the doughnut hole people. I’m a doughnut person.. forever grateful for what I have, even if it’s not much. The doughnut hole people are never grateful because they’re too busy being unhappy about what others have that they don’t. They never appreciate what they have.

Bangkit itu susah…
Susah melihat orang lain susah.
Senang melihat orang lain senang.

Bangkit itu takut.
Takut korupsi,
Takut makan yang bukan haknya.

Bangkit itu mencuri!
Mencuri perhatian dunia dengan prestasi.

Bangkit itu MARAH!
MARAH!!! Bila martabat bangsa dilecehkan!

Bangkit itu malu…
Malu jadi benalu…
Malu karena minta melulu…

Bangkit itu… tidak ada.
Tidak ada kata menyerah.
Tidak ada kata putus asa.

Bangkit itu…aku.
Untuk Indonesiaku…

I want to write a note, but don’t know what to say.
I wonder how you would act if I approached you in such a way.
I try my best not to stare or stutter when you come around.
I’m afraid that if I talk to you, you’re gonna put me down.
I admire everything about you, from your eyes to your smile.
I guess that I’ll sit back and just wait for a while.
I guess that this is silly because it’s just a crush.
Now every time I see you, my body turns to mush.
I can’t believe I’m acting this way I’m already twenty-one.
Oh well, too bad, I just don’t care because I’m feeling you.

…is it?

The time is drawing near.
The truth shall be revealed.
No more lies.
No more cries.
No more hurting.
No more fooling.

I know I deserve better.
You must know you deserve better, too.
An explanation is coming out.
It must come out.

There’s a reason for everything.
And I shall calmly listen it.
No, more than that.
I should…
…listen to its deep layers,
…listen to its vague whispers.
I’ll understand it,
Not judging upon it.
I’ll think about it,
Not raging against it.

Reality is real.
Imagination is… imagination.
Dream is about realizing.
But not by lying.
Hope and want is a must,
But dwelling in dreams will turn you into mush.

It’s time to start on a clean slate.
It’s time to face your own real fate.
No more lies.
No more cries.
No more hurting.
No more fooling.

The time is drawing near.
I can feel it coming…

My now most favorite poem. By Maya Angelou.
.
.
Phenomenal Woman.

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can’t see.
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
‘Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

I really do not need these craps right now.
Why?
Why now?
Why now you choose to be the most never-want-to-understand people in the world?

It’s never my problem.
I’m just trying to do something good here.
Look.
Listen.
I have my dilemmas.
I have my fights.
I have my battles to win.
I have my decisions to make even though I don’t want to do it.
And you, you just toss it all to my face.
And say it’s all my fault these all happened.

THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT TO HAPPEN.
I never want my friend to be a lousy liar.
I never want my friend to have these unnecessary dramas.
I never want my friend to risk our friendship up to this point.
I never want to have to judge my friends.
I never want to go through this.
And you just can’t understand all that, can you?
You just can’t.