Okay. This is unfair. I know. But I can’t help to think about it everyday. I
can’t help to wonder about it every single day. I imagine, I wonder, I recall, I
rethink, I search every day to find an answer. A clear answer that will help to
ease my burden instead of drowning in my foggy assumptions. I want to know
whether it’s another
i-befriend-you-just-because-i-want-you-to-do-something-for-me
relationship. I don’t need that in my life. I really don’t. My life is busy ad
complicated enough without jerks like that. Man, I DO
cost-benefit analysis everyday in my studies at college. I don’t need real
proofs on how it’s done in real life. Please do not come if you’re going
to take everything away and leave me with nothing. It hurts so bad that I can’t
even bear talking about it without having my heart cry. I wonder if anyone can really
imagine how hurt it is to know that you have been deceived. That you have
been… used. Does it look that easy to people out there to come to me
and ask for favors before leaving me crashed and hurt? It’s not that I don’t
want to help. But it’s different when people come as your friend, talk to you as
if they wanted to be your best friends and share everything with you, and care
for you as if you were so precious to them and when you get to trust them, they
just take everything they need, leave you heartlessly and toss all your hopes
and love into the trash bin. It’s easy for me to care, to hope, to dream, to
care, and to love. But it is damn hard for me to forgive, to forget, and
not to be traumatic about it. It really is. I don’t think it’s wrong to protect
my dreams so it won’t be crashed again, to shelter my heart so it won’t be hurt
again, and to build a wall around me so that people cannot come when they want
to and leave when they wish to.

This relationship is the first
relationship that draws so much of my energy in such a short time. I have never
had a friend like him before. One whom I can talk to quite freely about things
cause I simply know that he’ll listen. One who listens to me and asks for my
opinions even though I am not ‘his age’ type of person. One who helps
so easily and most of the times, puts me before himself just because he either
cares or he is being who he actually is. One who makes me want to do everything
to help him and ease his burdens cause it hurts me to see such a good person
sad. One who still shares his fears and tears with me and shows his weaknesses
when he knows that I would undoubtedly realize how hard it is for him to do so.
One who tries to keep strong when I know he was in need of a helping hand. One
who tries to keep smiling even though he knows I know that he was
crying a river inside and scared to death. It draws my attention, my energy, my
whole mind, my best effort to keep him standing tall, to support his lowest
times, to calm his anger, to listen to his rambles, to comment on his actions,
to give opinions and insights, to open his eyes to opportunities, to remind him
of mistakes, and to just be there when he needed a friend. The relationship is
intense and deep in an indescribable way that I just do not want to lose it over
some stupid cost-benefit relationship reasoning.

.

I’d say he needs someone who simply puts him before herself, cos that was
exactly what he’d also do in return. He needs someone who listens rather than
merely talks. He needs someone who suggests rather than merely listens. He needs
someone who does rather than merely suggests. He needs someone who guides rather
than merely does. He needs someone who corrects mistakes rather than merely
guides. He needs someone who solves problems rather than merely corrects
mistakes.

.

I really hope, pray,
wish, dream, or whatever you want to call it, that it isn’t another cost-benefit
relationship. I really hope it’s something precious I can hold
onto. Something valuable I can keep in my heart and something I can tell to my
kids in the future. That I once had found a friend in both good and bad
times.