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Written by Nicole. Archive; 2006. All rights reserved.

Any similarities in either storyline or casts are merely coincidences.

No copying of material content is allowed without direct consent from the author. 

prologue

Am I a failure? Perhaps you and I will never know.

They say I am irresponsible. They say I am incoherent. They never believe in me. In everything I do, in everything I say, they say I am almost insipid. Am I? I may never know for the mystery of being’s behavior lies in a profoundly complex pattern and incomprehensibility. They say I am stupid. They may be true. They say I am vicious. They may be right. But do they know me? They cannot possibly be.

I walk down the road with paper bags in my right hand. My left hand is buried into the layers of my jeans pocket, freezing. It’s been snowing since the past two lonely weeks. Snow…I hate snow. Its purity has always reminded me of something I’d rather forget for the rest of my life. It always reminds me of children running around with joyful laughter. It always reminds me of making snowmen at backyard after Christmas dinner. It always reminds me of cleaning the chimney in a cold December afternoon. It always reminds me of snow wars. It always reminds me of Christmas Day - which supposed to be the happiest day of the year. But since the last three years, it has no longer been the happiest day of the year for me. I told you, I hate snow. And everything that comes with it. Have I told you why? Because it never fails to remind me of my little boy.

Vivid memories strike me once again, flashing one scene after another in my head, just like a mute movie forwarded at a high speed. I close my eyes, not wanting to feel the familiar pain again. But, just as usual, I fail. The pain creeps inside, crawling silently into my heart and fill all the lonely corners it can find. Deep inside my throbbing heart, I just know I’ll never forget any of those painful memories. They are just too strong for me to fight. And too hard to let go, I have to admit, no matter how hurtful they are. Deeply, I inhale the cold fresh air and let it fills my lungs. All these… are just too unbearable.

chapter one

“Benjamin Stevens!” I forced the little boy to look at me in the eye. “I’m warning you right now, no TV for the rest of the week if you dare to ask questions like that again!”

Ben grinned and put his best puppy eyes. “But Mommy, you said I could ask Granny whatever I want to ask.”

“Yes. But Mr. Stevens, a five-year-old kid would not ask his grandmother to tell him her…very personal issues.”

“Personal issues? Can you tell me what are they, Mommy?”

“Personal issues are…some things that are better left unsaid and untold. Why? Because it will be impolite to ask. And one of them is…” I paused and shot him with a stern look, “…sex life. Got it?” I tried to keep my voice as sternly as a mother could possibly do.

“Ow Lorraine, you don’t have to scold him like that. It’s always right to ask.” Granny chuckled as her wrinkled hand moved to rub the little boy’s hair.

“But not that question.” I quickly snapped back. Granny laughed.

“Okay… okay… we heard you, already. Now Ben, what else do you have to ask me?” Granny questioned Ben. Laughter was clearly drawn in her voice.

Ben could see from the corner of his eyes that her mother was watching him. He slowly said, “Nothing else, Grams. Can I go to bed now?”

Granny raised her eyebrows and assured, “Are you sure you want to go to bed now?”

‘No, but it is the wisest thing to do when Mommy is angry.’ Ben answered silently in his heart. He sent the unspoken answer to his grandmother who nodded slightly and tried her best not to smile. Ben then faked a yawn and said with a false sleepy voice, “Yes, I’m so tired and I want to go to sleep.”

Granny winked, sending an obvious sign to the little man that she knew his little secret. “Okay, if that’s what you want.” she said wisely.

Ben tried his best to fake a yawn again and then ran off to his room immediately. He hoped he had convinced his mother quite well.

I threw a sheepish grin at Donna, my lovely mother, and sat down with relief. “Ben can be too…mature for his age sometimes.” I said.

“Ahahaha…yes. What a clever boy you have over there, Lorraine. I just wish that my daughter was ever as clever as him.” Donna winked at me.

I pretended not to understand what she meant. “So…when are you going back to Cleveland?” I asked, changing the subject. She would never win an argument with her mother.

“Bored with your old fussy mother, aren’t you?”

“You know better than that.”

“Oh believe me, I do.” Donna chuckled. “I think I’ll tell your brother to pick me up this Saturday.”

“Hmm…that soon? Are you sure you don’t want to stay for a few more couple weeks?”

“No. I’ll be a pain if I stay. You need some times to adapt to your new life. Alone. And Ben needs it too. You two have to start building your new life. A life without John.”

“Yeah.” I felt the pain and loss creeping into my heart again. 

Donna stared at me, “Being a single mother is not as easy as it seems. It’s not even something close to what Susan Sarandon did in Stepmom. It’s a hundred times harder. It’ll require your full dedication and energy to raise a good kid on your own.”

“Yes, I know.”

“I know that you know. I just want to remind you that everything will not be the same anymore. You’ve always had John to decide the hardest decisions in your marriage, but now you have to stand for your own,” she paused. “But…” she continued with a wise smile, “I’ll put my whole life in a bet that you can make it. Even better than what I can expect from you.”

I returned her smile. “Ben’s a miracle.”

“Yes, he is a miracle. And you’re a great mother, Lorraine.”

I hugged her tightly. “I learned from the best.” I said. And then I let go of my embrace and continued, “I learned from you.”

“You can always find me whenever you need me.”

…

I stepped on my room and sat at the edge of my bed. It had been a tough week, hiding such a big secret from Donna. Again, the frustration of not being able to share such secret began to fill up my head. I pulled out a piece of paper from my bedside desk. A crippled piece of paper after being read through again and again. A death warrant. My death warrant. It had been just seven days ago since I received this paper but yet it felt like I’d had it with me for a long time. Everytime I managed to have some times on my own, I was forced to face this bitter reality. Without much choices left, I had to think of Ben’s future, a world without me in it. God knows how much I longed to take parts in every step of Ben’s life. At his graduation day, at his marriage, at his first child’s birth. Those would be the days that he had to face on his own, with neither his father nor his mother on his side. Ben is forever the centre of my life. The reason of my breathing. I could never imagine a life wihout him. But this piece of paper had taken everything away, not just my life, but my hopes and dreams and it had left me with nothing much anymore. I had a cancer in my brain.

I sighed deeply, trying to relieve my heart from this killing burden. I hadn’t been able to figure out what to do yet. For the hundredth times, I put the paper back into the desk again, hiding it neatly beneath some books and envelopes. Trying to hide my shattered dreams and broken hopes as best as I could.

chapter two

“Ben, come on. Let’s go now otherwise we’ll be late for the shopping.” I finished my breakfast and put the dirty dishes in the sink.

“Okay.” He hopped on his feet and did the same thing.

I grabbed my car key and opened the front door. Tonight was Christmas Eve. A little bit too late for Christmas shopping, I knew. I just hoped I could get everything done today.

Ben followed me and walked to the car while I locked all the doors. A snowy afternoon, it was very cold. My hands were freezing but I got it done and walked to my car as well. Sitting behind the wheel, I started the engine and drove away to town.

After two hours wandering in the town and storming up the stores, we finally got all what we were looking for. We were ready to drive back home.

“Everything under control, Holmes?” I asked Ben, sitting behind my wheel as he threw the paper bags at the backseat and climbed onto the seats.

“Yes, Watson.” Ben answered, slamming the car door and laughed frantically.

“Got your Hershey chocolate and your Snickers?” I asked again. I felt a twirl in my stomach as I saw Ben’s expression. “Oh, no.” I muttered.

“I’ll be right back in just five minutes. Please please please?” Ben pleaded as he grabbed my shoulder with his little hands.

“It’s four minutes and fifty-eight seconds now.”

Ben ran quickly, crossing the street and headed to the nearest toy store. As I watched him from my seat, I smiled. Strangely, I felt a weak unpleasant feeling as if something bad was going to happen. I shoved them away and ignored the distinct warning in my head. What could happen to a boy who only wanted to buy his Christmas chocolate in a toy store, anyway?

I grabbed the newspaper and scanned the headlines thoroughly. No big news in Christmas Day, everyone knew that. So I threw my newspaper away and started to plan a Christmas surprise for Ben this year. Last year, John and I woke him up in the middle of the night and we sat together in front of the fireplace with a cup of warm chocolate in our hands. We fell asleep together, cuddling in one comfortable blanket. Tomorrow would be the first Christmas without John. What was I supposed to do so Ben wouldn’t miss his Daddy too much?

‘I think I’ll get him to clean the chimney together. Making snowmen at the backyard is not a bad idea, either. Ben loves to stay up late, I think I’ll let him tonight. Playing snow war would never be as fun as when John was still alive but I think I’ll give it a shot and see how it goes. I don’t want him to forget about John completely.’ I thought to myself.

I glared over my watch and realized that Ben had been away for ten minutes. It’s been too long for a quick grab for a bar of chocolate. I decided to go out of the car and picked him up. As I crossed the street and headed to the store, I saw a big crowd in the middle of the street. There were a lot of noise and people shouting in panic. A sound of ambulance siren was heard from afar. I walked towards it and struggled to keep myself calm. The bad feeling bothered me again, a lot stronger than before. I tried to see what happened but the crowd was very solid. After much efforts, I finally broke through the crowd and went limp at the scene that laid before my very eyes.

epilogue

Five years have passed since that accident. Since then, I have lived a tiring empty and lonely life. The blood, the lifeless body of my Ben lying in front of my eyes… I cannot even describe them in words. I recalled my hands were trying to hold his small figure and my tears were nowhere controllable. The horrifying scene will never leave my head, no matter how hard I try to shove it away. I want to scream until I have no voice left. I want to shout until I bleed my own throat. I want to cry my tears dry. I want to die and I hope I am. But I have no energy left. I am too worn out. Everything in me has already been absorbed by the loss. I am nothing but a dry sponge that breathes. I have cried for years, I have shouted for my pain, there is nothing left anymore from this pathetic woman. Nothing. How ironic, it was just a week after I found out that I had a cancer before it happened. The thought that Ben would leave this world sooner than me had never ever come up to my mind. And now, I no longer have a life. Half of me had died with John and the other half was gone with Ben at that very day. I have lost my reason to breathe and now I am a dead person. I endlessly blame myself for letting my five-year-old boy crossing the street on his own. Every single day. And I have been warned. I just chose not to pay any attention to it, I remembered.

Am I a failure? Yes, I am a failure.

The machine beside my bed beeps constantly with its slow beeping sound. The pain in my head is slowly eating up my body. It is merely a matter of time when I’ll be dead. I let out a slow chuckle. A bitter one. I have promised Donna to raise Ben as best as I could, but what am I now? A rotten lifeless corpse. I’m lying here, on my deathbed, waiting for a reunion with my family. I can even hear the bitterness in my almost inaudible chuckle. Destiny is really playing its part in my life. Even after five years, the reminiscences have always haunted me, shadowing my every steps. The pain, the tears, the grief, the guilt, the loss, the voices, the memories, everything…have been haunting me until this very second, just like a creepy beast waiting in the darkness to attack its prey.

Blankly, I watched the droplets of rain falling from the sky with its constant rhythm through my hospital window. What I feel, what I think, what I do, I no longer know. Everyday is just the same routine, the same schedules, the same measures. Do I feel sad? No. Do I feel empty? Can be. Do I feel depressed? Perhaps. All the feelings have mixed up as one and now remained only as vague and blurry layers in my foggy mind. I no longer have the energy to unfold every layers and identify them. I no longer know what I’m feeling inside. I no longer know what I’m thinking inside. They are all just…vignettes.

…

The machine beeps in one long beeping sound, displaying a straight horizontal line, stating the final sentence. Her eyes are still staring blankly straight throughout the window, lifeless as they now are. Empty…forever yearning for an escape from her despair. Guilty…forever demanding for an apology. Lost…forever missing her Ben. Fearful…forever desiring for vengeance. A single tear, the first tear after so many days, falls from the corner of her dead eyes and silently wilts her into the dark and endless void.

Oh, how it is heaven to finally be freed from all her…vignettes in mind.

finale.