You abused me.
You hurt me.
You told me I was nothing,
And I’m not worthy enough as your daughter.

After all of those, I still love you,
I still want to earn so much money for you.
I still want to ease your pain,
I still want to make you proud.

You said you trust me.
You never do.
You try to control my life,
And tell me to do things your way.

After all of those, I still love you,
I still want to earn so much money for you.
I still want to ease your pain,
I still want to make you proud.

You said you are proud of me,
But that’s only because you want people to see your success.
You said I was a great daughter,
But you doubt everything I do and say.

After all of those, I still love you,
I still want to earn so much money for you.
I still want to ease your pain,
I still want to make you proud.

You told me I was your biggest mistake,
And you regret having me as your child.
You told me I spend too much money,
And spending money is all I do my whole life.

After all of those, I still love you,
I still want to earn so much money for you.
I still want to ease your pain,
I still want to make you proud.

You never stand up for me,
You agree with people’s opinions about me,
You only see my mistakes,
You never want to see my efforts making them right.

After all of those, I still love you,
I still want to earn so much money for you.
I still want to ease your pain,
I still want to make you proud.

You have never been proud of me,
You ask so much of me,
You demand everything from me,
And you always make me cry.

After all of those, I still love you,
I still want to earn so much money for you.
I still want to ease your pain,
I still want to make you proud.

Why do I still want to do those things?
I can do everything else I want.
I can run for my life and move out of the house.
I can stop my college and live from my job.
I can rent a room and stop living off your money.
Will you feel sad if I leave?
Will you want me back if I run away?
Will you feel sorry for what you’ve said?

No. You wouldn’t.
If I run away, you’d get angry.
People would think you’ve failed as parents.
If I move out, you’d get mad,
You have spent so much money and I don’t pay.
If I quit college and get a job, you’d feel pissed.
You expected me for a good career to redeem all your investment.

I hate you.
I hate you for making me feel this pathetic.
I hate you for making me feel this useless.
I hate you for making me hate you.
I hate you for making me feel hopeless.
I hate you very much.

I wish I could do all those things.
But if I did them, you’d get disappointed.
For having a bad daughter, for having all your money wasted,
And I don’t want to disappoint you.

That’s the only reason I’m not moving out.
That’s the only reason I’m not going away.

After all of those, I still love you,
I still want to earn so much money for you.
I still want to ease your pain,
I still want to make you proud.

Kamu semakin menua.
Enam tahun kita bersama.
Mengalami banyak hal.
Melewati berbagai saat.

Kamu tumbuh.
Aku tumbuh.
Kamu berkembang.
Aku berubah.

Aku mendukungmu selalu.
Di setiap langkahmu.
Aku mencintaimu.
Tapi kamu tak pernah tahu.

Itu bukan salahmu.
Kamu tak mungkin tahu.
Aku tak menyesali
Setitik pun perasaan ini.

Sekarang kau telah berumur dua puluh delapan tahun.
Kita kembali terpaut sembilan tahun.
Yang ada dalam pikiranku
Tak lain hanyalah kebahagiaanmu.

Talentamu berkembang.
Karirmu merebak.
Kamu memikirkan tujuan
Tapi hanya sendirian.

Aku tak ingin kamu bersedih
Oleh karena kegagalan tak berarti.
Kamu bisa melakukannya
Aku selalu tahu kamu bisa.

Kamu berharga
Janganlah lupa.
Untukmu disini ada seorang wanita
Mendukung dengan penuh cinta.

Tak pernah kubayangkan
Betapa lama perasaan ini akan bertahan.
Kamu mengajarkan banyak hal
Yang bahkan kau tak dapat membayangkan.

Kamu terlalu baik
Untuk merasakan pedih.
Ingin sekali diri ini
Menemanimu di sisi.

Orang takkan mengerti
Betapa bagiku ini penting.
Tapi aku belajar mencintai
Ketika aku menyadari…

…betapa kita adalah sebuah tak-mungkin.

Aku akan mencintai orang lain
Aku akan mencoba.
Kuharap kamu juga mencintai
Dan berbahagia.

Aku hanya ingin kamu bahagia
Tak ada lagi yang kuinginkan.
Meski kita tak saling mengenal
Ku sungguh berharap suatu saat kita akan.

Aku akan selalu mendukungmu,
Yakin dengan kemampuanmu,
Mengharapkan kebahagiaanmu,
Walau kau tak pernah kan tahu.

Mengoreksi kesalahanmu,
Menopangmu di kala jatuh.
Aku akan mencintaimu
Seiring dan seijin waktu.

Sekarang aku dapat tersenyum dan melepaskanmu.
Meski aku tetap memegang harapku.

St. Bernadette
St. Bernadette was born at Lourdes, France. Her parents were very poor and she herself was in poor health. One Thursday, February 11, 1858, when she was sent with her younger sister and a friend to gather firewood, a very beautiful Lady appeared to her above a rose bush in a grotto called Massabielle. The lovely Lady was dressed in blue and white. She smiled at Bernadette and then made the sign of the cross with a rosary of ivory and gold. Bernadette fell on her knees, took out her own rosary and began to pray the rosary. The beautiful Lady was God’s Mother, the Blessed Virgin Mary. She appeared to Bernadette seventeen other times and spoke with her. She told Bernadette that she should pray sinners, do penance and have a chapel built there in her honor. Many people did not believe Bernadette when she spoke of her vision. She had to suffer much. But one day Our Lady told Bernadette to dig in the mud. As she did, a spring of water began to flow. The next day it continued to grow larger and larger. Many miracles happened when people began to use this water. When Bernadette was older, she became a nun. She was always very humble. More than anything else, she desired not to be praised. Once a nun asked her if she had temptations of pride because she was favored by the Blessed Mother. "How can I?" she answered quickly. "The Blessed Virgin chose me only because I was the most ignorant."

Bishop Gauthey of Nevers and the church exhumed the body of Bernadette Soubirous on September 2, 1909, in the presence of representatives appointed by the postulators of the cause, two doctors, and a sister of the community. They found that although the crucifix in her hand and the rosary had both oxidized, her body appeared "incorrupt" — preserved from decomposition. They washed and reclothed her body before burial in a new double casket.

The church exhumed the corpse a second time on April 3, 1919. The body still appeared preserved, however, her face was slightly discolored possibly due to the washing process of the first exhumation.

The site is visited by many pilgrims and the body of Saint Bernadette to this day remains in-tact despite being nearly one hundred and thirty years old.

The Prayer of St. Bernadette

0 My God, I beg you, 
by your loneliness, not that you may spare me affliction,
but that you may not abandon me in it.

.
When I encounter affliction,
teach me to see you in it as my sole comforter.

.
Let affliction strengthen my faith,
fortify my hope,
and purify my love.

.
Grant me the grace to see your hand in my affliction,
and to desire no other comforter but you.
Amen.

"I will make you happy not in this world, but in the next."

- The Immaculate Conception, Lady of Lourdes, Mary the Mother of Jesus, as she told St. Bernadette Soubirous and promised her.

Kemarin Pelatih Susanto di marinir telpon, katanya uda mo pegi ke Libanon buat bantu perang sbg pasukan perdamaian PBB. Sedih! Sbnrnya pada pengen nganter gitu anak2 Prasmul, tp apa dikata gara2 si ‘tumbuhan yang tumbuh subur di kala hujan’ jdnya gak bisa. Deadline seabrek2 sampe2 anak2 kurang tidur. Pelajaran makro di pagi hari aja, Cicu sama Edwin dan banyak anak laennya tewas tertidur. MAKRO GITU LOH!! Yah kalo gue sih gak mgkn bgt tidur, SECARA… yg ngajar my favorite pak paul gitu loh. Haram hukumnya tertidur di pelajaran dia. Hehe… anyway, this is not about pak paul. Yg pasti gue, Manda, en Lidya kemaren sedih krn mo nyusul ke airport jg gak mgkn krn Cawang gak mgkn berbelas kasihan memberi traffic yg lopong. Pst macet all day bgt jd yah gak bs nganter. Apalg kemaren Lidya bilang, "Pesen gue cuma satu buat Pelatih Kukuh. Jangan mati! Jgn mati dulu!" Huaaaa… gue jd takut jg. Si Manda ampe bilang mau beliin Pelatih Kukuh Baskins&Robbins kalo uda pulang. Pulangnya kan msh lama, Mand… T__T  Tp ya udalah, mo gimana lg. Cuma bs didoain aja biar come home safe and sound, dan terutama msh hidup. Belom apa2, uda kangen bgt sama Pelatih Kukuh yg gokil, suka melucu pdhl gak gitu lucu, polos, mukanya suka memerah gak jelas klo ngomongin si itu; dan Pelatih Susanto yg baek dan pendiem dan gak banyak ngomong.

Au ah. Liat aja pas mereka balik. Do protect them, God.

.

.

Oh iya! Kemaren jg ada peristiwa sedih. Ayah Pak Paul, H.A. Oppusunggu, uda berpulang ke sisi-Nya. Semoga Bapa memberinya tempat di Kerajaan-Nya, menghapus segala dosanya, dan menguatkan keluarga yang ia tinggalkan. Amin.

Kemaren pegi ngelayat sama Karin, Edith en Dennis. Jgn tny kenapa Dennis bs ikut. Anyway, gue sih gak takut ngeliat mayat (something yg sempat dipertanyakan oleh pak paul), tp gue smpet deg2an gr2 salah seorang saudara pak paul ada yg tiba2 kejang gr2 ayan. I was pretty surprised, for a moment, he looked like he was not going to make it. Tp thanks God, nothing happened. Gue kemaren liat pak paul, dia keliatannya santai. Mgkn krn uda tau bahwa ini mgkn yg terbaik buat ayahnya, jd krn uda sakit 2 thn, uda gak kaget lg dengan kepergiannya. But still, dr cerita Rowan, di hari pemakaman dan tutup peti, he seemed different. Pak Paul, jgn sedih2 ya. If you’re sad, a lot of people will be sad, too. *raises hand*

My girl is crying and
I take out
handkerchief to wipe her tears.
The handkerchief I folded white.

It’s okay… keep your chin up.
You are trying hard to smile,
…and looking at you like that I also shed tears.

Stars are setting and moon’s leaving
While looking at you who is sleeping sound
I also shed tears.

Promise me that you won’t meet with tears again.
Let’s do pinky promise… my good and pretty
girl.

Please
smile.
Don’t be sad anymore.
I’ll embrace you tight with my love which is only for one
person.
The
sky will turn blue like the ocean.
Please don’t be sad now.

===

Gue cari translation lagu Dongwan kemana2 dr taon jebot tp kagak pernah dapet. Just when I needed this kind of support the most, I found it…accidentally. Thanks, Oppa. <3

I don’t understand,
Why everything should happen this way.

I thought I was wrong,
I couldn’t believe it was real.

Should I just accept it?
Should I just believe it?

That it is no longer there,
That it will no longer stay.

I cry,
I don’t want to,
But I can’t help to.

I blame…everyone,
Including myself.

Did I do something wrong?
Did she do something wrong?
Or was it all his only fault?

They say,
There is someone for everyone.

Then why does this come through?
Please do not let this come true.

I can’t believe,
That it all may come to an end.

I only hope it’d be,
After all, just a fairytale.

Dua anak-anak asuhku yang ganteng2 dan lucu2.
Senang, dua-duanya naik kelas. Hehehe, gue dapet hadiah loh.
Dapet gambar sama surat.
Ayo2 kita bantu yang membutuhkan!!
Semua bs kok, gak susah… kalo emang mau, pasti bisa.

I carry your heart with me; I carry it in my heart
I am never without it; anywhere I go you go, my dear;
And whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling;

I fear no fate; for you are my fate, my sweet;
I want no world; for beautiful, you are my world;
And you are whatever a moon has always meant;
And whatever a sun will always sing is you;

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows,
Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
Which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide

And this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart; I carry it in my heart.

I’m not the type to get my heart broken
I’m not the type to get upset and cry
Coz I never leave my heart open
Never hurts me to say goodbye
Relationships don’t get deep to me
Never get the whole in love thing
If someone could say they love me truly
But at the time it didn’t mean a thing

My mind is gone
I’m spinnin’ around
And deep inside
My tears I’ll drown
I’m losing grip
What’s happening?
I stray from love
This is how I feel

This time was different
Felt like I was just a victim
And they cut me like a knife
When you walked out of my life
Now I’m in this condition
And I’ve got all the symptoms
Of a girl with a broken heart
But no matter what you’ll never see me cry

Did it happen when we first kissed?
Coz its hurting me to let it go
Maybe coz we spent so much time
And I know that it’s no more
I should have never let you hold me baby
Maybe why I’m so sad to see us apart
I didn’t give it to you on purpose
Gotta figure out how you stole my heart

How did I get here with you?
I’ll never know
I never meant to let it get so personal
And after all I tried to do
To stay away from love with you
I’m broken-hearted
I can’t let you know
And I won’t let it show
You won’t see me cry

Today I saw an eagle,                                                              With a teardrop in his eye,

It literally took my breath away,
To see an eagle cry.

I asked him, What’s the matter?,
And he told me what he saw.

A cowardly attack was made,
On the towers that once stood tall.

He said everything he stood for,
Had taken a shocking blow.

So he had to take a moment,
To let his own emotions show.

Then he proudly told me,
That our Nation would survive.

That our Liberty and Freedom,
He’d be sure to keep alive.

He said for us not to be afraid,
To stand together, not apart.

For a terrorist has succeeded,
If he puts fear within our hearts.

(dedicated to the victims of World Trade Centre and Bali bombing attacks)

I feel lucky that I’ve got the chance to know some nice people around the world. Di dalam hidup gue, gue baru sadar betapa banyak yang belom gue lihat dan betapa banyak yang harus gue pelajari setelah gue bertemu bermacam-macam orang. Seperti kata Sirius Black di Harry Potter, "What’s life without a little bit risk?" Hidup itu cuma sekali. Life is short. Pendek pula. Kalo kita gak melakukan apa yang ingin kita lakukan, kapan lagi kita tahu bahwa kita akan mendapatkan kesempatan yang sama? Temennya Bonaga di Naga Bonar Jadi 2 jg bilang, "Kesempatan tidak datang berkali-kali." Dan ini gak hanya tentang mencoba hal-hal yang baru. Ini juga menyangkut tentang membuka hati kita untuk menerima dan mengenal berbagai macam orang baru.
.
.
Kata Mother Teresa, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
.
.
How true. Sometimes, we spend the whole time judging everyone we meet, and we forget to love them. Lagi-lagi kata Sirius Black, "In every person, there is the bright and the dark side. What matters is which side we choose to act on." Tentu gak ada orang yang perfect. Yang sulit adalah melihat kebaikan di setiap orang dan mencintai mereka karenanya. Kenapa sulit? Karena yang biasa kelihatan, yang mudah kelihatan, dan yang biasa kita mau lihat, hanyalah keburukan seseorang. Karena dengan begitu, kita membuat diri kita terlihat lebih baik. Menyedihkan, jika kita harus membuat diri kita merasa aman dengan cara seperti itu. Bukankah baik kalo kita bertemu orang-orang hebat dan belajar dari mereka? Bahkan kita bisa belajar dari setiap orang, tidak hanya orang-orang hebat.
.
.
Gue bertemu dengan Tony di Milan, Italy, beberapa bulan yg lalu. Gue masih gak percaya bahwa gue belom menulis ttg dia di blog. Anyway, pertemuan itu sangat mengesankan bagi gue. Waktu itu gue lg dikasih acara belanja sama tour guide gue, dan keluarga gue gak mampu lah yah belanja di Italy. Secara toko-tokonya bermerk semua kayak Gucci, Louis Vuitton, dll, gila aje, sekali pegang, harganya 24 juta. Pdhl cuma satu tas tangan yg di Mangga Dua cuma 15.000. Nohok bgt, bisa2 bonyok gue jual anak dulu kalo mo beli. Jadinya kita memilih utk nongkrong di tempat segala bangsa, yaitu McDonalds. Hehehe, disanalah gue bertemu Tony. Wkt itu hanya ada 1 meja kosong, dan dua kursi kosong. Di atas meja ada segelas kopi yang setengah terisi. Gue pikir itu uda kosong, ya udah, gue suruh nyokap gue duduk disana. Ehhh… ternyata ada seorang bule dateng dan berkata bahwa itu kopi dia. Dia ngambil tuh gelas dan beranjak mencari tempat laen. Secara gue sadar bahwa uda gak ada tempat laen di ruangan itu, gue bilang ke dia bahwa gue gak tau tempat itu msh ada orang. Gue menawarkan tempat duduk gue utk dia, yg tadinya dia tolak, tp setelah gue paksa, akhirnya dia mau. Stelah beberapa menit diem-dieman, gue merasa ada yg kurang. Gue tersenyum aja ke dia, dan dia pun membalasnya dengan ramah. Akhirnya kita pun ngobrol. Nyokap gue, being the sensitive and negative-thinking person she is, sepertinya gak suka gue mengobrol dengan orang asing. Tapi krn gue ngomong pk bahasa Inggris, yah nyokap gue bingung juga mo gimana nyela pembicaraan gue. Dia cm memperhatikan gue dan Tony mengobrol. Hmm, kita duduk dalam jarak yang dekat, dan karena gue msh agak2 rendah diri dengan listening gue dan Tony pun ngomong pelan bgt, akhirnya kita kaya bisik2an berdua.
.
.
Gue bersyukur dipertemukan dengan dia siang hari itu, karena ternyata gue telah membuat hari dia semakin cerah. Dia cerita bahwa dia tinggal di New York dan dia dateng duluan ke Italy utk tinggal sama sodaranya. Akan ada yg datang nanti dr New York utk nyusul dia. Dia blg dia uda tiga minggu di Italy dan dia tiap hari cuma ngiter2 di jalan itu dan duduk2 di McD. Pas gue tanya dia kerja apa, dia ngeluarin foto dia yg gantengnya gak kira2 dan dia bilang dia adalah seorang designer pakaian di New York, tepatnya seorang designer baju pengantin. We had a great talk, sampe gue tanya dia kenapa dia menghabiskan waktu dengan agak sia-sia di Italy. Knp dia gak pegi ke tempat laen utk rekreasi ato smcmnya. Barulah dia membuka bajunya, dan menunjukkan benjolan di atas dada kirinya. Dia bilang, hidupnya udah tinggal 3 bulan lagi. Dan dia gak mo wasting time kemana-mana. Gak penting dimana dia berada, tapi bersama siapa dia menghabiskan waktu dia. Gue tanya, apakah dia puas 3 minggu menghabiskan waktu sendirian? Dia bilang, dia gak sendirian. Dia melihat banyak orang. Turis-turis lewat, ketawa-tawa dan brsenang-senang. Mereka terlihat bahagia, dan dia pun bahagia. Gue hampir aja bilang gue gak percaya tp kalo gue melihat wajah baiknya yang uda renta, gue sadar bahwa dia sangat bijaksana. Tony bilang, "Gue gak perlu orang mengasihani gue krn gue uda mo mati, gue sneng ada yg say ‘hi’ ke gue kalo berpapasan, gue seneng ada yg blg ‘thank you’ ke gue kalo gue melakukan sesuatu yang baik utk orang. Itu berarti gue membuat hidup orang sedikit lebih baik."
.
.
I almost cried. Tapi demi ngeliat dia yg tersenyum bahagia, gue gak bisa nangis. Nyokap gue bingung ngeliat gue berkaca-kaca dan tersenyum sendiri sedangkan Tony asik berbicara terus. Dari pertemuan 20 menit itu, gue belajar sangat banyak. Dia membelikan gue eskrim dan berkata dia pengen bgt gue bs jadi cucu dia. Gue hny tertawa maksa, bukannya gue yg beliin dia sesuatu, malah dia yg maksa nraktir gue. Dia bilang, gak mgkn gue jd cucu dia, jd gimana klo gue ikut dia ke NY dan kawin sama anak dia yg paling kecil, seorang pengacara sukses bernama Richard yang berumur 29 tahun. Gue gak tau mo ngomong apa. Gue nanya ke Tony, kenapa saat2 begini bisa aja dia kepikiran begitu. Dia bilang, "Gue uda menyiapkan beberapa hal utk sodara2 Richard, cuma Richard yg gue msh belom tau mao ngasi dia apa. Jadi yah, why not a nice girl for him? You are beautiful and you are very nice."
.
.
Seumur hidup, gue tidak menerima pujian tiap hari. Gue juga bukannya tidak pernah menerima pujian. Sbg layaknya manusia, ada yg benci gue dan ada yg sayang gue dalam hidup gue. Tapi belom pernah seumur hidup gue 19 tahun, gue merasa begitu berharga dan puas seakan-akan gue telah melakukan suatu hal yang sangat baik. Padahal gue cuma nemenin dia ngobrol. Gue merasa jd wanita tercantik di dunia dan gue pun akhirnya nangis. Yap, sorry, kali ini blog gue super sentimentil. Gue hanya memeluk dia dan berkata, "I’d love to do that. I’d go to New York and do what you want. Now, I gotta go cos my tour guide is calling me over there." Tony cuma bilang sambil mencium kedua pipi gue, "Thanks for accepting the offer. Have a safe trip and enjoy your holiday."
.
.
Enjoy your holiday. Betapa kata-kata klise seperti itu bisa membuat seseorang bahagia. Gue gak pernah menyangka betapa segelas kopi yang setengah terisi dapat membuat hari gue dan Tony begitu berwarna. Saat itu, gue bener2 sadar, lo gak akan pernah tau kapan lo akan ketemu seseorang yang meninggalkan bekas di hati lo, baik bekas baik maupun buruk. Gue gak akan tau bahwa Tony kesepian dan perlu teman ngobrol dan bahwa dia akan meninggal beberapa bln lg, kalo gue gak menawarkan dia tempat duduk. Gue gak bisa bayangkan kalo gue bersikap se-negatif nyokap gue dan se-curigaan nyokap gue terhadap orang baru. Gue mgkn hanya akan duduk di sebelah Tony dan diam dengan muka masam. Baru kali ini gue sadar how a little smile can start something. So, be nice to everybody. Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one leaves you without being happier. Dan itu bisa siapa saja. Tidak hanya on vacation, tapi mungkin orang disebelah lo di busway tadi pagi.
.
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Kalo hari ini gue blum bersyukur ke Tuhan dan memohon ke Dia, gue pengen bgt say thanks krn gue boleh dipertemukan dg Tony. Kita berasal dr dunia yg berbeda, belahan dunia yg berbeda dan ras yang berbeda. Golongan umur yg berbeda dan jalan hidup yg berbeda. Tapi toh kita bertemu. Hari ini tepat tiga bulan sejak gue bertemu Tony. Gue ktemu dia 19 Juli 2007 siang (krn hari itu hari kedua tour gue), dan skrg 18 Oktober 2007 malem. Plus plus time zone, kira-kira saat ini lah gue bertemu dia tiga bulan yang lalu. Semoga dia bahagia, entah dia sudah berpulang ataupun belum. Dan semoga Richard uda mendapatkan sesuatu dr ayahnya.

(dedicated to Tony Morgan.)

Ada orang lucu td pagi yang menelpon gue. Dia maen friendster sambil nyuci baju. Terus dia mau bilas tp aernya habis. Terus stlh bersusah-payah akhirnya kebilas juga. Eh pas mau dijemur ujan lg. Keberuntungan orang itu kadang-kadang menakjubkan jg kalo dipikir-pikir ya. Dan gue gak habis pikir kok bisa ya maen friendster sambil cuci baju. Jangan2… komputer dibawa masuk ke WC?? Wah portabel skali… mgkn ntar ada inovasinya. Hand-computer (secara uda ada hand-phone) yang bisa dibawa-bawa mski kita mau cuci baju ato masak. Hmmm.

Mgkn orang itu berharap gak ada yang tau kelucuannya tp ya sudahlah. Biarkan gue menumpahkan kegelian gue ke blog bisu ini. Hihihihi…

PS. I should be teaching now but I’m procrastinating. Adrian, klo lo baca blog gue, minta periwitan centil di hape lo dong!! Dasar pelit.

Sitting across the room,
I saw you talk and smile.
I wanted to talk to you,
Even for only a little while.
But before I make my move,
My emotions start running wild.
My tongue gets tied,
And that’s no lie.

Looking in your eyes,
Looking in your beautiful black eyes.
Feeling your silent stare,
Feeling your quiet presence.
Watching your little smile,
Watching your sudden laugh.

I tell jokes, as if I felt nothing inside.
But the truth is, my stomach got butterflies.
I asked for your phone number, you asked for mine.
And that night, I hardly stop to smile.

Your face appears every then and now.
It’s been so long since I acted this how.
Oh boy, what should I do now?
You just stick here in my mind!

Oh boy.

Beberapa hari ini gue berpikir. Sebenarnya, sepanjang hidup gue, gue selalu memikirkan ini. Dua pertanyaan yang paling bikin resah.

"Kalau gue melakukan ini, apa yg akan terjadi?"
"Kalau gue gak melakukan ini, apa yg akan terjadi?"

Akhirnya gue menemukan jawabannya. Gue akhirnya tahu, bahwa dua pertanyaan itu gak mempunyai jawaban. Pertanyaan itu gak bisa dijawab. Pertanyaan itu harus dijalani. Gue inget banget, dulu gue dan Lawrence pernah chatting. Dia nanya gue, dua hal apa yang paling pengen gue dapetin dalam hidup gue dan dua hal apa yang paling pengen gue hindari dalam hidup ini. Waktu itu gue mikir lamaaaaaa….. banget (sampe gerhana matahari uda muter2 13 kali… hehehe…) dan gue pusing sendiri. Lawey bilang kalo dia sih, dia pengen Gina (cewek yg dia suka) bahagia dan dia pengen bisa dapetin cewek yg emang belahan jiwa dia. Dan dia bilang dia paling gak mau kehilangan gue sbg teman (emang mungkin ya?) dan dia gak mau ada perang di dunia ini.

Klise ya? Tapi itu manusia. Percaya atau gak, dalam hati kita masing-masing, kita semua punya harapan dan ketakutan yang sama besarnya. Boong banget kalo gak ada. Orang terberani di dunia pun punya ketakutan. Orang paling bahagia di dunia pun punya keinginan. Tentara paling berani pun punya harapan. Cuma sayangnya, ada orang yang berani mengakuinya dan ada yang tidak. Ada orang yang mengakuinya tapi tidak berani mengucapkannya. Ada yang bahkan menutup mata dan menyerah sebelum harapan itu tercapai. Ada yang berusaha, ada yang putus asa, ada yang menyerah, ada yang terlalu takut untuk memikirkannya.

Terus gue berpikir, gimana bisa kita melakukan perubahan dalam hidup orang lain kalau kita aja gak berani memperjuangkan harapan kita? Gimana bisa kita melakukan perubahan dalam hidup kita sendiri kalau kita aja gak berani mengatasi ketakutan kita?

Dua hal yang paling gue takutkan untuk terjadi dalam hidup gue adalah perasaan menyesal dan perasaan bersalah. Gue takut bgt klo gue akan mengalami dua hal tersebut. Bahkan lebih takut drpd gue takut sama tikus, dan percayalah, gue AMAT SANGAT TAKUT BANGET sama makhluk nista yang namanya tikus. Anyway, gue gak mau menyesal dalam hidup gue karena hidup kan cuma sekali. Setelah lo mati, lo mau menyesal ya gak ada gunanya juga. Lo gak bisa mengulang hidup lo. Gak usah jauh2, sekarang hari ini lo ngelakuin apa, lo uda gak bisa ngulang hari ini lagi kapanpun. Setiap menit hidup lo cuma dateng SEKALI. Banyak orang yang khawatir akan diketawain org klo mereka melakukan sesuatu. Mereka takut gagal, mereka takut diketawain, mereka mikir seribu kali dulu. Akhirnya mereka memilih untuk gak bertindak. Tapi ntar kan ada kemungkinan mereka akan menyesali keputusan mereka. Nah, gue bener2 gak mau bgt menyesal. Uda banyak penyesalan dalam hidup gue dan gue gak mau menambah itu. Kalo emang suka, ya bilang. Kalo emang benci, ya bilang. Kalo emang mau, ya berusaha. Kalo emang gak mau, ya tunjukkan. Sebodo amat sama orang ngomong apa, yang penting jgn sampe menyesal. Emang kenapa klo kita menunjukkan rasa sayang kita ke orang yg kita kagumi? Emang kenapa klo kita minta maaf atas kesalahan kita? Emang kenapa kalo orang tau kita suka sama mereka? Emang kenapa kalo kita gak suka sama seseorang? Emang salah kalo kita punya pendapat? Emang lo gak seneng kalo lo tau ada yang suka en sayang sama elo? Gak usah gengsi-gengsi dan aneh-aneh deh, ntar kalo uda nyesel, mo nangis bombay pun bombay tetep di bombay. Jd ya gak guna tuh.

Perasaan bersalah. Ini juga amit-amit. Kalau mo nolong orang, ya tolong aja. Gak usah mikir seribu kali dulu. Ntar kalo sampe ada apa-apa, lo akan merasa bersalah dan lagi-lagi menyesal mengapa lo gak menolong dia dari awal. Gue juga belajar utk gak ikut campur urusan orang. Kalo ada yg minta tolong, tolong sebisanya tapi jgn ikut campur. Jgn merusak apa yg belum rusak. Gue bukannya takut disalahin tapi gue sendiri pasti merasa bersalah dan gue gak mau merasa seperti itu. Kalo emang dia minta tolong dengan amat sangat, barulah tolong dia. Tapi inget, menolong itu unsurnya memperbaiki yang sudah rusak, bukan merusak yang tidak rusak.

Speaking of which, gue juga suka mikir dua hal yg paling gue inginkan utk terjadi dalam hidup gue. Ini lebih susah krn gue bukan tipe orang yg banyak berharap sih. Again, Lawrence said that I had to think of something. Menurut dia, gak mungkinlah ya orang gak pengen apa-apa. Dan dia bener juga sih. I don’t want to make this sound too cliche, tapi ini emang yg gue pengen. I just want to bring something better in every life I touch. Gila, gue skrg merasa gue pantes bgt dpt nobel perdamaian. Bukan gitu maksud gue, gue tau itu kedengeran sok malaikat bgt. Tapi gimana dong, gue emang pengen itu terjadi! Kayanya dulu gue pernah bilang. Kalo kehadiran gue gak bisa merubah orang, biarlah kehadiran gue membantunya. Kalo kehadiran gue gak bisa membantunya, biarlah kehadiran gue mendampinginya. Kalo kehadiran gue gak bisa mendampinginya, biarlah gue menjadi pendengarnya. Kalo gue gak bisa menjadi pendengarnya, biarlah kehadiran gue gak mengganggunya. Kalo kehadiran gue ternyata mengganggunya, biarlah gue pergi jauh-jauh dan mendoakannya dari jauh aja. I don’t need everything to be the best, I just want everything to be better.

Dan hal kedua yg gue pengen bgt terjadi, I want everyone to start thinking about another. Jgn hanya mikirin diri sendiri. Setiap pedang mempunyai dua sisi. Ketika elo memikirkan orang dan selalu berbuat untuk orang, lo pun sebenernya sedang melakukan sesuatu yg baik utk diri lo sendiri. Ketika lo cuma memikirkan diri sendiri, lo pun sebenarnya membuat semakin sedikit orang yang memikirkan elo. Jgn membuat diri lo sbg tujuan, tp buatlah orang lain sebagai alasan lo melakukan sesuatu. Of course, I mean in positive way, not in negative way. Bukannya
trus elo bole bunuh orang dan jgn bunuh diri. Gila, bukan itu maksud
gue. At least, kalo lo mo bersikap egois, pastikan elo gak akan mengganggu orang lain. Kalo elo mao berbuat bodoh, pastikan elo hanya merusak diri lo sendiri, jgn merusak hidup orang lain juga. Jgn ngerugiin orang lain.

I started doing these things a while ago. And guess what, I feel less sad and I feel more worthy in everything I do. I feel happier and I feel less burdened. Gue gak merasa tertekan, hati gue lebih plong, gue merasa lebih bahagia, gue gak berharap banyak tapi yg penting gue melakukan, dan gue lebih puas dan lebih jarang menyesal. I just want to share this karena siapa tau ini akan membuat hidup semua orang lebih baik. Kita akan berbuat baik demi orang lain, mendahulukan kepentingan orang lain, dan menjalani hidup yang lebih tidak egois dan bahagia.

Why not? Everyone’s happy.

It’s so ironic. When one person can influence and inspire the whole world so much by his or her wisdom and love, one can actually destroy one’s life by firmly root in the fruits of hatred in his or her heart. It’s so scary to see how parents do not aware of their abilities to raise a miracle or a disaster. I strongly believe that how a person acts and decides greatly depends on how he or she is raised by his or her parents. See, parents are role models. When you have someone full of hatred raising you, you’ll end up building this wall around you and become so defensive against everybody. But if you have someone so patient and full of love caring for you, you’ll become another caring, thoughtful and full of love kind of person.

.
I teach these two kids. Thalia and Hansen. Both of them are not normal. They have disorder in hearing and understanding. Both of them have difficulties in blending with their surroundings. They are different, and so I told their friends and the rest of their classes. The other kids understand that very well. They support Hansen and Thalia very much and I hate to see how such effort is wasted.

.
See, Thalia’s parents in fact could not understand the difficulty their daughter has. They blame her for being a rebel and being so naughty. They even punish her for not listening to them. For God’s sake, SHE CANNOT UNDERSTAND YOU!! SHE CAN PERFECTLY HEAR YOU BUT SHE CANNOT UNDERSTAND YOUR WORDS SO HOW ON EARTH DO YOU EXPECT HER TO DO ALL YOU ARE TELLING HER TO DO?! HOW CAN YOU HIT HER?!!!

.
How can you hit her for being different? How can you? It doesn’t give you the right to hit her even when you are her parents. It really doesn’t. How can you judge her for being different? How can you say she’s not a good kid? For Jesus’ sake, how can you hit her? How can you?

.
Why can’t they be a little bit patient with her? Just a bit. Why don’t they repeat their words again and again until she understands? She can understand, but she can’t do it as fast as normal kids do. Can’t you understand THAT?

.
I pity her. Hansen who has a more difficult problem with his autistic personality is blessed enough to have such understanding parents. They understand how Hansen is different from another kids and they love him even more. They teach him how to say ‘thank you’ and how to say ’sorry’. They teach him how to eat properly and how to sit properly. It’s a thousand times harder task than teaching Thalia to listen, yet Thalia’s parents won’t do the same thing.

.
My heart aches when I see those bruises on Thalia’s stomach. My heart cries when I hear her story about her parents hitting her with a belt when she won’t listen. It’s not easy to talk with Thalia, and to get her listen to me, but yet I succeeded. Why can’t you as her parents do the same thing? Why can’t you be patient a little bit and understand? Don’t you love her? Doesn’t it hurt you when you hit her with your belt?

.

.

.

Now I realize it’s not how your parents love you that matters. What differentiates good parents from bad parents is how they are willing to understand. Simply understand. Simply wanting to reach out their hands and open  up their minds. Simply listening to their children’s cries and opening up their eyes to see how their children are struggling.

.
I cried yesterday. They are so small. Such innocent kids with unfortunate destinies. They are struggling so hard with their conditions, trying their best to have people accepting them and treating them properly. Trying so hard to win their love. I cried with a deep hurting and heartache. How I want to hold and love them so that they won’t be scared anymore. How I want to make them understand that they are loved, that they don’t have to be so ghastly against everyone.

.
Hansen bit me when I first met him. He kicked my feet, bit my hand, pushed me, stabbed my palms with pencil, pulled my hair, almost tore my shirt, just because I wanted to talk to him. During our first encounter, Thalia slapped me on the face, almost broke my fingers, grasped my arm so firmly to hurt me, bit my hand, kicked me on the knee, just because I asked her to open her grammar book.

But now Hansen could come to me and say ‘good morning, miss’ with such a cute attitude. He offered to take my bag and folder, shook my hands when he was about to leave the class, said ‘goodbye’ with a manner, and walked slowly instead of running away.

.
How different. How understanding someone can change so much in the person. How caring and treating them with love can make such a difference.

Please, I beg you. Do not hurt Thalia. She’s just a kid. She doesn’t understand what she’s going through. She needs help. She needs understanding and a reaching hand. Not a slap. Nor a belt.

As I travel down life’s pathway,
Know not what the years may hold.
As I ponder, hopes grow fonder,
Precious memories flood my soul

Precious memories, how they linger
How they ever flood my soul.
In the stillness of the midnight,
Precious sacred scenes unfold.

As I ponder, hopes grow fonder,
precious memories, how they linger.

Precious sacred scenes unfold,
precious memories flood my soul.

(song ‘Precious Memories’ by Bob Dylan)

"GIGIT TONGKAT!"

"TIARAP!"

"BERDIRI!"

"DUDUK!"

"JONGKOK!"

"MASUKKAN TONGKAT KE MULUT!"

"TINDAKAN!"

Kebanyakan itu yg terdengar di Bumi Marinir Cilandak wkt gue
ngejalanin 5 hari pelatihan kepemimpinan bersama TNI-AL Korps Marinir Indonesia.
Hmm, gak seberat yg diceritakan angkatan atas. Fun juga, malah sangat berkesan.
Tp yah, gue gak bs mungkir bahwa emang agak membawa penderitaan sih. Jd
ceritanya begini, kita tuh diangkut ke sana utk ngejalanin 5 hari pelatihan
kepemimpinan bsama TNI-AL Indonesia. Tp slama latian itu, byk bgt kegiatan
menarik yg gak bakal bisa dilakuin di Indonesia. At least, kalo elo mau nyoba
kegiatan2 itu, elo harus bayar cukup mahal dan blom tentu aman pula. Gue nyoba
yg namanya loncat dr helikopter hanya dengan seutas tali dan mendayung perahu
karet ke tengah danau. Gampang kali, kalo cuma ngedayung doang. Iya gue
jg tau, tp ini masalahnya di tengah danau perahunya tuh dibalik dan kita hrs
ngumpet di bawahnya. Trus kita hrs ngebalikin lg tuh perahu. Nah, itu rada susah
dan sumpah, exciting bgt. Gue kaya berasa di fear factor gitu trus deg2an berdua
Nadia di bawah perahu karet hehehe… seru bgt gelep2an trus ngapung2 di danau
gitu… kaya berasa lg syuting Titanic pas tenggelem. Anyway, byk bgt yg dialami
saat itu, termasuk jurit malam yg agak2 berdarah krn gue kram perut (+kaki) di
tengah2 jurit dan gak bs nyelesein jurit gue. Termasuk satu lg ketika kita
belajar masak nasi di alam (buat jungle survival gitu) dan tau gak, kita masak
nasi pake kaos kaki! Nah loh, bingung kan lu? (Gak) berasa bgt 5 hari dilewatin
gitu aja, dan sumpah gue kangen bgt sama smua pelatih2 disana. T__T

Byk jg yg dipelajari dr pelatihan ono. Mgkn utk kebykan org, dan
gue gak bs muna bhwa pada awalnya gue jg menentang, apa yg kita lakukan di sono
itu aneh dan gak masuk akal. Buat apa elu gigit tongkat? Smua yg dilakukan
disana terkesan cuma buat ngerjain org doang, termasuk makan nasi segebong2
banyaknya (yg bikin gue msh trauma nasi ampe skrg), dan peraturan tetek bengek
laennya. Tp ternyata klo kita mau buka pikiran sedikit, itu semua ada
pelajarannya.

Knp hrs gigit kursi? Krn kita hrs berterima kasih sm kursi yg kita dudukin, gak cuma makanan
yg kita makan.

Knp hrs nyanyi ‘Padamu Negri’ sblm
makan? Spy kita inget jasa petani yg nanem padi, inget
saudara2 kita yg blm bs makan nasi, dan inget bhwa nasi yg kita makan sbaiknya
digunakan utk melakukan sesuatu yg berguna.

Knp klo
mo duduk, ga bole ngeluarin sdikitpun suara pas narik kursi?
Krn kita ga bole egois, kalo smua org mo langsung duduk, pst bunyi. Tp klo kita
saling mendahulukan, pst tuh kursi begitu banyak gak akan bunyi.

Knp hrs gigit tongkat dan masukin ujung tongkat ke
mulut? Spy kita blajar ngendaliin emosi. Coba deh, smakin
kita bete dan dongkol digituin, pst kita ngegigit makin kenceng, dan rahang kita
bkl smakin sakit. Kita jd lebih rugi deh.

Ternyata semua yg diajarin di marinir
itu ada gunanya, dan gue suka how they explain the reasons right away. They made
it clear with their reasonable explanations and they did a great job.

Marinir ngajarin gue utk lebih mikirin
sesama. Itu sih, pelajaran plg utama yg gue dapetin. Gue
ngerasa rada useless masih mikirin diri sendiri, di saat ada org2 yg rela mati
buat negara. Mereka rela mati utk ngebela org2 yg bahkan mereka gak kenal, org2
yg bahkan gak menghormati dan menghargai perjuangan mereka. Ketemu sm org2 kaya
gitu, gue berasa cupu dan rendah. Gue kuliah buat nyari kerja, cari duit
sbanyak2nya, tp what exactly have I done for others? Marinir jg ngajarin gue utk lebih percaya sm org. Ada kalanya kita hrs percaya sama org dan gak bole mempertanyakan
keputusan org tsb. Klo kata marinir sih, itu namanya loyalitas. Jd kalo misalkan
pemimpin lu ngomong sesuatu, ya elo jalanin aja. Percaya bahwa itu yg terbaik.
Emang sih gak baek melakukan itu dg ekstrim, but again, sgala sesuatu yg
terlalu itu gak baek. Cuma ada kalanya itu bagus bgt shingga kita blajar percaya
dg kemampuan org laen, keputusan org laen, dan blajar bekerja sama. Jgn cm mikir
mo ngatur, mo org percaya sama elu, mo org nurut sama elo, klo elonya gak bs
gitu. Gue merasa gak dikecewain sama marinir, krn gue ngelakuin sgala yg
diperintahkan dan ternyata bener klo apa yg mereka lakukan/suruh itu emang yg
terbaik dan ada pelajarannya.

Intinya, 5 hari wamil di Marinir emang nyengsarain scr gue smpet
absen mandi 2 hari dan terkatung2 tidurnya.

Stengah mati gue nahan kram
pas lari2 or baris berbaris or push-up or tiarap.

Stengah mati gue nahan
kram perut malem2 ampe ga bs tidur or gerak.

Stengah mati gue nelen tu
nasi bergumpel2 pake kuah aer putih dan nelen ikan asin gede yg asinnya ky
keringet kuli itu.

Stengah mati gue nahan kagak muntah tiap makan nasi yg
banyaknya bs ngasi makan satu negara Singapur itu.

Emang bener, disono
nyengsarain, tp terlepas dr smua yg gue sbut di atas, ini adalah pengalaman yg
tak terlupakan dan bener2 keren bgt. Gue terharu bgt pas ninggalin pelatih2
gokil dan baik hati itu. Gue belajar byk dr mereka. Gue bener2 berharap mereka
akan AMAT SANGAT berhati2
klo perang, biar sll slamat. Gue bener2 berharap gue akan ketemu mreka lg dan
ngeliat wajah mereka lg. Gue gak mau mereka balik dalam bentuk mayat di kantong
plastik item, spt yg gue liat di foto2 yg dipajang di aula. Gue bener2 pengen
mereka dpt apa yg mereka pengenin dan sll survive utk ngebela negara. Gue kangen
bgt sm mereka smua, dan gue belajar utk gak
cengeng. Itu penting bgt tuh. Yg namanya cewe, pst akan
lebih mudah utk break down and cry. Tp gue blajar utk gak cengeng dan
menyelesaikan masalah instead of menangisinya. Gue
bener2 belajar utk jd lebih kuat, krn kita hrs kuat utk org laen, gak cuma utk
kita sndiri.

I think it’s time for us to think more for
others, instead for ourselves.

Tired of living life in black and white
There’s so much in between
Like a rainbow in the sky
Waiting to be seen
.
.
When I open my eyes to find inspiration
I search for the best I can see
If I settle for less
I won’t be the best I can be
.
.
When I dream, I dream in color
There is so much I want to discover
Somewhere I know there’s a rainbow
Waiting for me
.
.
Life is short, but can’t be bought
And time is a very precious thing
I want to go to where I’ve never been
And see what’s never been seen
.
.
When I wake up each morning I won’t take for granted
There’ll always be another new day
Got to live for each moment
Never let time slip away
.
.
When my eyes are closed
I still know where to go
I feel so awaken, alive
When I’m vast asleep
I still feel the beat
Of the heart that’s so ready to fly
Ready to fly
.
.
When I dream, I dream in color
There is so much I’ve yet to discover
I’m just beginning to set myself free
It’s clear to me now of what I believe
Somewhere I know there’s a rainbow
Waiting for me

.
.
Dream in Colors, sung by Bianca Ryan.
(download song here.)

Aku tak ingin mengakui,
Lebih mudah menutupi,
Menyembunyikan kekosongan dan sakit hati,
Menangis, bukan tersenyum lagi.

Tak ingin kuhadapi kenyataan ini,
Hidupku yang sarat kepedihan hati.
Ingin kupulihkan luka hatiku,
Untuk kembali tersenyum lagi.

Aku merasa dilupakan,
Dikhianati dan sendirian,
Tanpa sedikit pun pengampunan,
Tanpa seorang pun sebagai teman.

Aku tak ingin mengakui,
Sayap-sayapku tak bisa terentang lagi,
Kebahagiaanku telah mencair,
Menjadi air mata dan entah apa lagi.

Sukar bagiku menutupi kenyataan ini,
Harapan-harapanku tak lagi berarti,
Berubah menjadi kekecewaan di hati,
Maka kutundukkan kepala dan menangis sendiri.

(click to enlarge image — graphic design created by me)

Dia yang istimewa dalam hidupku
Dia tidak tahu akan cintaku
Ingin kusampaikan padanya
Tapi kesempatan aku tak punya

Tak dapat aku mengambil resiko
Mencoba pun ku tak punya kesempatan
Betapa ia terlihat begitu jauh
Betapa kuharap ia tahu perasaanku

Tak kukira akan begini jadinya
Tak kukira aku bakal jatuh cinta
Ada sesuatu dalam senyumannya
Yang membuatku tertegun terpana

Mungkinkah perasaanku tersampaikan?
Akankah kami mempunyai kesempatan?
Kan kusembunyikan perasaanku saat ini
Kusimpan untuk suatu hari nanti.